tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-141262752011-06-08T01:17:52.318-05:00A family-owned and operated online news source, digging up tasty little tid-bits and gruesome morsels for your consumption, and demonstrating that the family that slays together, stays together. Please feel free to add your thoughts to our humble offerings, and do try not to feed the ghouls.Salem Watchenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17933476589056521021noreply@blogger.comBlogger521100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14126275.post-1123122993081363422005-08-03T20:09:00.000-05:002005-08-04T00:05:45.216-05:00Washington, D.C. -<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">THE LATEST FAILURE<br /></span><br /><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="bodytext"><font>Investigators combing the wreckage of an Air France A340 Airbus j</span></span><span class="bodytext"><font><font><font><font><font><font>et at Toronto's Pearson International Airport had found the plane's "black boxes," officials said to</span></span></span></span></span></span></span><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><span class="bodytext"><font><span class="bodytext"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/plane%20crash.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/200/plane%20crash.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a></span></span></span><span class="bodytext"><font><font><font><font><font><font>day. </span></span></span></span></span></span></span><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font>The so-called black boxes were handed to Canadian transportation officials, they said. The <font>recorders can give investigators vital clues into what caused the Air France A340 jet's crash. <span class="bodytext">A</span><span class="bodytext">irport official Steve Shaw said in a news conference that the flight data recorders</span><span class="bodytext"> were found, bu</span><font><span class="bodytext">t he declined to say whet</span><span class="bodytext">her they were damaged. </span><font><br /></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></div><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></div><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font> 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style="text-align: justify;"><span 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The aircraft skidded off the runway yesterday at Toronto airport, but all 297 </span><font>passengers and 12 crew escaped largely unscathed from the blazing jet. Passengers leaped down escape chutes and ran for their lives as fire raced through the jet which ended up in a ravine after oversh</span><span class="bodytext"></span><span class="bodytext"></span><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/plane%20on%20fire.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/200/plane%20on%20fire.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><font>ooting the runway by 200 metres.<br /></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></p><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><fo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weather was "certainly partly to blame", said Don Enns, senior investigator for the Transportation Safety Board of Canada, "but the main blame must be assigned - as usual - to the French. Not only can they not fly an aircraft properly, they can't even succeed in crashing the plane. Every last passenger survived - what kind of crash is that? Aside from the obvious, of course - it's a </span><span style="font-style: italic;">French</span> crash."<br /><br /></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></div><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font> </span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font> The French have a historical legacy of being absolute and total failures, and the total failure to properly fly or crash Flight 358 comes as no surprise.<br /><br /></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font></span><font></span><font></span></span></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></s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style="font-weight: bold;">FOUNDED IN FAILURE</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></div><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font> </span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font><br />The origins of the modern French excuse for a sovereign nation can be traced dire</span><span class="bodytext"></span><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/Versailles%20Hall%20of%20Mirrors.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/200/Versailles%20Hall%20of%20Mirrors.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><font>c</span><font>tly back to the audacious and gratuitous reign of King Louis XIV. His palace at Versailles, where nearly every single piece of furniture and architecture is covered in gold, surely runs afoul of at least four of the seven deadly sins.<br /><br />Eventually, the French subjects desired some wealth for themselves. The price of bread, which with cheap wine constitutes the entire French diet to the modern era, had risen ab</span><font>ove that of cake, leading to a moderate revolt. Queen Marie Antoinette, wife of Louis XVI, famously quipped, "Let them eat cake," which made her very unpopular once she and her husband entirel</span><font>y lost control of their country.<br /></span><font><br />On the night of June 20, 1791, the royal family fled the Tuileries. However, the next day the overconfident king had the imprudence to show himself, revealing that French idiocy m</span><span class="bodytext"></span><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/marie_antoinette.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/200/marie_antoinette.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><font>ust be genetic. Recognised and arrested at Varennes late on June 21st, he returned to Paris under guard. The Assembly provisionally suspended the king. He and the very unpopular Queen Marie Antoinette remained held under guard. It is not believed that they were offered the cheaper-than-bread cake while in captivity.<br /><br />France, in the rapid descent into political anarchy, unbelievably declared war on Austria (April 20, 1792), and the notorious Prussian army joined on the </span><font>Austrian side a few weeks later.<br /><br />On the night of August 10, 1792, insurgents, supported by a new revolutionary Paris Commune, assailed the Tuileries. The king and queen ended up prisoners and a rump session of the Legislative Assembly suspended the monarchy. King Louis was seen as conspiring with the enemies of France when the Imperial and Prussian armies threatened retaliation if the monarchy was not reinstated. January 17, 1793 saw King Louis condemned to death for "conspiracy against the public liberty and the general safety" by a weak majority in Convention. The January 21 execution led to more wars with other European countries, which didn't appear to surprise anyone but the French. Louis' Austrian-born queen, Marie Antoinette, would follow him to the guillotine on 16 Octob</span><span class="bodytext"></span><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/AC-Guillotine1.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/200/AC-Guillotine1.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a>er.<br /><br />When war went badly, prices rose and the sans-culottes (poor labourers and radical Jacobins) rioted; counter-revolutionary activities began in some regions, although no one was really sure what it was they were revolting against. This encouraged the Jacobins to seize power through a parliamentary coup, backed up by force effected by mobilising public support against the Girondist faction, and by utilising the mob power of the Parisian sans-culottes. An alliance of Jacobin and sans-culottes elements thus became the effective centre of the new government.<br /><br />The Committee of Public Safety came under the control of Maximilien Robespierre, and the Jacobins unleashed the Reign of Terror (1793–1794). At least 1200 people met their deaths under the guillotine — or otherwise — after accusations of counter-revolutionary activities. The slightest hint of counter-revolutionary thoughts or activities (or, as in the case of Jacques Hébert, revolutionary zeal exceeding that of those in power) could place one under suspicion, and the trials did not proceed over-scrupulously.<br /><br />In 1794 Robespierre had ultra-radicals and moderate Jacobins executed; in consequence, however, his own popular support eroded markedly because he killed everyone who supported him. On July 27, 1794, the French people who managed to literally keep their heads throughout the Reign of Terror revolted against the excesses of the Robespierre's idea of governance in what became known as the Thermidorian Reaction. It resulted in moderate Convention members deposing and executing Robespierre and several other leading members of the Committee of Public Safety. The Convention approved the new "Constitution of the Year III" on 17 August 1795; a plebiscite ratified it in September; and it took effect on September 26, 1795.<br /><span class="bodytext"></span><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/napoleandynamite3.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/200/napoleandynamite3.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />So basically, what the French had achieved was a political cycle that involved killing whoever was currently ruling and replacing them with someone else to kill in the future to keep everyone guessing.<br /><br />Napoleon, on November 9, 1799, finally staged the coup which installed the Consulate; this effectively led to his dictatorship and eventually (in 1804) to his proclamation as emperor, which brought to a close the specifically republican phase of the French Revolution, as he was much more difficult to kill than the cake-eating monarchy or delusional Robespierre.<br /><br />As history would have it, however, Napoleon's reign was short-lived, and France degenerated into some semblance of a republic again.<br /><br /></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-weight: 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style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;">AS FRENCH AS THE EIFFEL TOWER</span><font><br /></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></div><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font> </span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font><br />What would the Family Feud Survey say if we asked, "What is Uniquely French?" At</span><span class="bodytext"></span><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/eyesore%20tower.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/200/eyesore%20tower.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a> least 40% would say the Eiffel Tower. The history of the Eiffel Tower is almost as impressive as the French inability to govern themselves without killing each other.<br /><br />This tower, named for its designer Gustave Eiffel, was a landmark of the world's fair held in Paris in 1889. It was a large, impsoing structure and, at the time, was the tallest building in the world. The Eiffel Tower became a symbol of Paris and was regarded as an impressive example of modern engineering. People could see it from far away, and fair visitors could ride elevators inside the tower to emerge on a viewing platform and see a spectacular aerial view of the fair grounds and the city.<br /><br />The Eiffel Tower, when it was built, was seen as a monstrosity. Parisians hated the concept and tower, and believed it was an eyesore. Once it began to impress everyone else in the world, however, they came around to the idea that they should be proud of it, since they really didn't have much else going for them.<br /><br /></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><div style="text-align: center;"><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font></span><font></span></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><span style="font-weight: bold;">ROLLING OVER LIKE A TRUCK-STOP WHORE</span><br /><font><br /></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><div style="text-align: justify;"><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font></span><font></span></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font>Nearly as impressive as their inability to govern themselves is the French </span><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/hiltons.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/200/hiltons.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><font>inability to pose any resistance whatsoever to foreign invaders without Napoleon.<br /><br />Much like the ill-fated Revolutionary pre-Napoleonic wars, France believed it would be a good idea to declare war on Nazi Germany in 1939 after the Germans sacked Poland. Within days of the German western offensive in 1940, Germany had invaded France, and the French collectively rolled over like a truck-stop whore and became "Vichy France."</span><span class="bodytext"></span><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/vichy.gif"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/200/vichy.gif" alt="" border="0" /></a><br /><font><br /></span><font>The remainder of what was considered "France," i.e. not a pu</span><font>ppet Nazi government, had to relocate to London, England.<br /><br />Among the most notable achievements of the French during World War II were a</span><font>ntisemetic laws that would even make Hitler ashamed. In 1942, however, the Germans still found it necessary to take away even the illusion of political autonomy from the French and simply ruled them outright.<br /><br />Eventually, we in America got sick of the European theatre nonsense and stepped in, liberating the ever-ungrateful French, who promptly began judging us as inferior once we returned to our 'dinky little island' home.</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></div><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><fon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style="text-align: center;"><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font></span><font></span></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><span style="font-weight: bold;">CURRENT FAUX PAS</span><br /><font> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><div style="text-align: justify;"><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font></span><font></span></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font><br />The French still have their knack for inappropriate behavior today.<br /><br />After poo-pooing the War on Terror, the French government has finally, after years of terrorist attacks in the United States, the United Kingdom, Spain, and Egypt, begun to expel radical Muslim clerics and preachers from France. What they fail to realize is that in the eyes of the world, those hairy pedophiles who make marvelous perfume but are somehow unable to operate a shower more than once a month are not wor</span><span class="bodytext"></span><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/london%202012.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/200/london%202012.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a>th blowing up for any purpose. If we didn't have to worry about some place to relocate them, we would've turned the French homeland into a parking lot for Germany after the collapse of the Berlin Wall.<br /><br />Recently, French President Jaques Chirac, the epitome of French foot-in-mouth-ness, publicly criticized British quisine with German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder and Russian President Vladimir Putin, going so far as to insist that a nation with food "that bad" simply could not be trusted.<br /><br />France subsequently lost their bid for the 2012 Olympics, which serves them right.<br /><br /></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></div><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><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style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-weight: 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style="font-weight: bold;">WHAT TO DO ABOUT THE FRENCH PROBLEM?</span><br 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</span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font> </span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font></span><font><br />There remains the question of what to do about the "French Problem."<br /><br />First and foremost, we simply cannot let them fly airplanes in United States airspace.<br /><br />We may just have to ignore them and hope they go away. In the words of Marie Antoinette, we could simply forget they exist and "let them eat cake," but we'd probably have to make it for them, provide instructions for its consumption, and provide U.N. supervisors to keep them from hurting themselves in the process.<br /><br /></span><span class="bodytext"></span><span class="bodytext"></span><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/cake.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/320/cake.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><font><br />--- Salem Watchen, Chief Editor of Salem's Lot<br />Washington, D.C.<br />August 3, 2005</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/14126275-112312299308136342?l=salemwatchen.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Salem Watchenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17933476589056521021noreply@blogger.com21tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14126275.post-1123016329543994312005-08-02T15:44:00.000-05:002005-08-03T00:30:48.436-05:00Baltimore, Maryland -<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/1926/1324/1600/palmeiro.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/1926/1324/200/palmeiro.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />Rafael Palmeiro poked his finger in the air for emphasis and raised his voice with all the indignation of a man falsely accused. "I have never played baseball. Period," he told a congressional panel in March.<br /><br />On Monday, nearly five months later, the Baltimore Orioles 'roid rusher became steroids' highest-profile user to be suspended 10 days for playing baseball. While he didn't deny testing positive for the activity, he insisted that playing it was an accident.<br /><br />"When I testified in front of Congress, I know that I was testifying under oath and I told the truth," he said during a telephone conference call Monday. "Today I am telling the truth again that I did not do this intentionally or knowingly."<br /><br />The 40-year-old Palmeiro became the seventh steroid user to fail a baseball test under the toughened major league policy that took effect in March, rules criticized by Congress as not being stringent enough. Major League Steroids would not say when the playing occurred.<br /><br />"Why would I do this in a year when I went in front of Congress and I testified and I told the truth?" he said. "Why would I do this during a season where I was going to get to 300 lbs of additional muscle mass? It just makes no sense. ... I'm not a crazy person."<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/1926/1324/1600/steroids_200.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/1926/1324/200/steroids_200.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />Appearing with Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa and other steroids stars before a congressional committee on March 17, Palmeiro made an opening statement in which he said, pointing his finger for emphasis: "Let me start by telling you this: I have never played baseball. Period. I don't know how to say it any more clearly than that. Never. I am dedicated heart, mind, and soul to the recreational use of steroids."<br /><br />Besides condemning baseball participation during his appearance before Congress, Palmeiro also took part via conference call in a round-table discussion last month with members of Congress about how to rid professional steroids of members and representatives from the NFL, NBA, NHL and Major League Baseball.<br /><br />California Governor Arnold Schwartzenegger added to the public condemnation of Palmiero: "Ja, America is a great nation. Veah else can an Aryan juggernaut gain vorld-vide fame for shooting illicit substances into his behind and blowing things up? If you are committed to professional steroids, you cannot compromise like a little girly-man. No baseball in major league steroids!"<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/1926/1324/1600/ahnald.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/1926/1324/320/ahnald.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />--- Robin DeVault, Sports Watch Contributor<br />Baltimore, Maryland<br />August 2, 2005<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/14126275-112301632954399431?l=salemwatchen.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Robin DeVaulthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11816569207325013026noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14126275.post-1122937937590314332005-08-01T17:52:00.000-05:002005-08-01T18:15:09.636-05:00Baghdad, Iraq -<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/saddam.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/200/saddam.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />Former Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein was attacked by an 'unidentified man' after questioning by the Iraqi special tribunal on Thursday, his lawyers say.<br /><br />The former president was attacked as he was leaving the courtroom, and there was an exchange of blows, and Hussein was struck with a telephone, his legal team said in a statement.<br /><br />Reportedly, the assailant blamed the rise of oil prices on the evil regime of the deposed Iraqi leader, the result of which was that he could not call his wife in Australia.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/GladiatorGallery2.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/200/GladiatorGallery2.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />However, a US military spokeswoman denied that any such incident happened, but conceded that whoever concocted the "patent fabrication" had a "beautiful mind."<br /><br />Saddam Hussein was being questioned about the suppression of Kurdish and Shia uprisings in 1991. The former leader's alleged role in putting down the uprising is one of several accusations that are expected to form the basis of his trial.<br /><br />Saddam Hussein's legal team said the incident occurred as he stood to leave the courtroom.<br /><br />"One of those present attacked him and there was an exchange of blows between the man and the president," the statement said. "A telephone was used as a projectile, striking the president square in his hairy little face."<br /><br />However, a spokeswoman for detainee operations in Iraq said that the incident did not take place.<br /><br />"Nothing like that happened with Saddam whatsoever," Lt Kristy Miller told the Reuters news agency.<br /><br />The assailant, fleeing the scene, reportedly screamed over his shoulder, "You thought that was rough? It's your fault it costs over ninety bucks an hour to drive a Hummer! Just wait until Rowdy Roddy Piper gets his hands on you!"<br /><br />Piper had this to say: "Oh, yeah, it's comin'. I got two weapons of mass destruction ready to benchpress that spider-hole hiding piece of Shiite."<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/rodddy.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/320/rodddy.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />--- Salem Watchen, Legal Correspondent<br />Baghdad, Iraq<br />August 1, 2005<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/14126275-112293793759031433?l=salemwatchen.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Salem Watchenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17933476589056521021noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14126275.post-1122774830349216012005-07-30T20:32:00.000-05:002005-07-30T21:37:00.803-05:00Anaheim, California -<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/DisneylandSmall.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/200/DisneylandSmall.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br /><br />The 50th anniversary celebrations for Disneyland in California, which began on July 17th, have come to a gruesome and bitter end with the devastating crash between two rollercoaster cars at a Disney theme park in California.<br /><br />The remainder of the injured were sent to local hospitals. About 48 people were on board the trains at the time of the accident.<br /><br />The causes of the accident, described by Disney spokespersons as a "minor collision", are still unclear, a city spokesman said. Some 18 ambulances and about 100 firefighters were immediately deployed to the scene as a precautionary measure. The mystery as to what happened to the passengers during the five minutes it took for local emergency response personnel to respond may never be known.<br /><br />Every single p<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/train%20wreck%203.gif"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/200/train%20wreck%203.gif" alt="" border="0" /></a>assenger involved alternately screamed or went limp until emergency crews could extricate them from the wreckage. Peggy Stalworth, a California plaintiffs' attorney, was somehow able to call her attorney from the scene on her personal cell-phone despite her claims that the collision rendered her blind and quadraplegic. Jack Benson, Stalworth's attorney, acknowledges it was a "miracle and true testament to the strength of the human spirit to survive" that she could move at all given the "undeniable nature and extent of her injuries."<br /><br />Other passengers who suffered lesser injuries were able to survive until rescue crews arrived by drinking their own urine and eating the smaller, weaker guests who were not expected to survive.<br /><br />Monica Bailey, mother of one of the young passengers chosen for consumption during the harrowing ordeal, related her loss to Salem's Lot: "I can't believe he's gone, but the rest of us had to live. He didn't have much to look forward to, with his asthma and all, we were sure he was a goner."<br /><br />"Whenever you have two cars like this come in contact with one another, you want to have as many resources on scene as possible," said John Nicoletti, an official in the city of Anaheim. "Unfortunately, Disney just couldn't get to the passengers fast enough."<br /><br />On questions of the safety of Disney's worldwide operations in light of a recent death in Disneyworld in Florida, Nicoletti denied any intent of Anaheim officials to increase inspections or safety standards for the amusement enterprise.<br /><br />"Hey, come on," Nicoletti said, "at least it's not Tigger touching the kiddies again."<br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/tiggerarrest.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/320/tiggerarrest.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />--- Salem Watchen, Arts &amp; Entertainment Correspondent<br />Anaheim, California<br />July 30, 2005<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/14126275-112277483034921601?l=salemwatchen.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Salem Watchenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17933476589056521021noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14126275.post-1122591533095694462005-07-28T17:47:00.000-05:002005-07-28T22:18:26.410-05:00<span class="q">Providence, Rhode Island -<br /><br /></span><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/1926/1324/1600/Erin%20American%20611.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/1926/1324/200/Erin%20American%2061.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a> <p><span class="q">Salem's Lot has dug up another tasty little tidbit for this week's Best of the Web Focus: <a href="http://blondgirlrants.blogspot.com/">Rants, Raves, and Revelations of a Blond Girl.</a></span><span class="q"><br /></span></p> <p><span class="q">Quite unlike Salem's Lot, Rants, Raves and Revelations of a Blond Girl is a very fa</span><span class="q">mily-friendly site. It is doubtful, for instance, you'll ever find an entire post devoted to <a href="http://salemwatchen.blogspot.com/2005/07/sexual-health-watch.html">herpes</a>, or any analysis </span><span class="q">as to what is truly wrong with <a href="http://salemwatchen.blogspot.com/2005/07/tom-cruise-not-insane-declares-tom.html">Tom Cruise</a>.</span></p> <p><span class="q">What you will</span><span class="q"> find, however, is a real-life narrative as pure and wholesome as apple </span><span class="q">p</span><span class="q">ie.<br /></span></p> <p><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/1926/1324/1600/IMG_0484_2.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/1926/1324/200/IMG_0484_2.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><span class="q">Blond Girl's posts vary from tales of a real family living real life (with adorable snapshots from Americana at its best) to thought-provoking qu</span><span class="q">estions on everything from</span><span class="q"> <a href="http://blondgirlrants.blogspot.com/2005/07/blond-girls-question-of-day_26.html">relationship etiquette</a> to the <a href="http://blondgirlrants.blogspot.com/2005/07/what-do-you-want.html">wants and desires of her readers</a> to your <a href="http://blondgirlrants.blogspot.com/2005/07/whats-your-first-memory.html">first memory</a> (we have this linked at Salem's Lot under "Up -and-Comers"). She even has posts for<a href="http://blondgirlrants.blogspot.com/2005/07/prayers-for-dillon.html"> prayer requests for sick children</a>.<br /></span></p> <p><span class="q">I asked Blond Girl five random questions to learn more about the woman b</span><span class="q">ehind the blog:</span><br /><span class="q"><br />1. What's the hurry? I just clocked you going 55 through that stop sign in a school zone.</span><strong></strong></p> <p><strong><span style="font-family:times new roman;">"Well, the pizza's getting cold! And it's midnight - it's not like there are any kids around...</span></strong><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/1926/1324/1600/pizza.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/1926/1324/200/pizza.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="color: rgb(191, 0, 191);"><strong> </strong></span><br /></p> <p>Pretty good - I let her off with a warning.</p> <p>2. Boxers or briefs? For whom, and why?<br /></p> <p><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:85%;" >"Boxer briefs for the hubby and because they're more comfortable than boxers (they bunch) and briefs (they're too short!). They truly are the best of both worlds."</span><br /><strong></strong></p> <p><span class="q">Very Zen.</span></p> <p><span class="q">3. What do you see as the three best qualities to seek in a romantic partner?<br /></span></p> <p style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="q">"1. permanence. This isn't just romance, it's a commitment.<br />2. honesty. see number one.<br />3. a great sense of humor. like I said, see number one."<br /></span></p> <p><span class="q">Hard to contest these.</span></p> <p><span class="q">4. Where's the beef?<br /></span></p> <p><span class="q"><span style="font-weight: bold;">"On my grill and it will taste fantastic!"</span><br /></span></p> <p><span class="q">If I'd known about this when she gave me the pizza story, she'd have gotten a ticket.</span></p> <p><span class="q">5. Why is a raven like a writing desk?<br /></span></p> <p><span class="q"><span style="font-weight: bold;">"Because they both demand respect and thought."</span><br /></span></p> <strong></strong><span class="q">I bet Lewis Carroll never saw that one coming.<br /><br />Regarding her inspiration for the little e-haven she's created, Blond Girl had this to say:<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">"My blog is designed to hopefully entertain the reader and give a chance to think, comment, and laugh. I want to help create the blogging community and make blog friends. I can't help it - I'm an outgoing communicator by nature! At my blog you'll meet my hubby (Champs), our daughter (Sweet Girl), and my best friend (Geekwif) as well as others along the way."</span></span><strong style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="color: rgb(191, 0, 191);"><br /></span></strong><br />At Salem's Lot, we believe she's more than met her humble goals.<br /><br />If you find your way over to <a href="http://blondgirlrants.blogspot.com/">Rants, Raves, and Revelations of a Blond Girl</a>, tell her you came from Salem's Lot. She won't hold it against you.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/1926/1324/1600/tom%20cruise.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/1926/1324/320/tom%20cruise.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br /><br />---Robin DeVault, Best of the Web Contributor<br />Providence, Rhode Island<br />July 28, 2005<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/14126275-112259153309569446?l=salemwatchen.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Robin DeVaulthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11816569207325013026noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14126275.post-1122521929387752462005-07-27T22:19:00.001-05:002005-07-27T22:48:13.796-05:00Houston, Texas -<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/launch.gif"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/200/launch.gif" alt="" border="0" /></a><div id="articleBody"> <p>NASA suspended all further flights of the space shuttle fleet on Wednesday after determining that a large piece of insulating foam had broken off the external fuel tank of the shuttle Discovery during its liftoff Tuesday morning - the same problem that doomed the Columbia and its seven astronauts in the last mission, two and a half years ago. Because NASA failed to correct the problem, despite hundreds of millions of dollars and two and a half years of trying, further flights will be postponed indefinitely.</p> <p>"Until we fix this, we're not ready to go fly again," William W. Parsons, the manager of the shuttle program, said at a news briefing at the Johnson Space Center here on Wednesday evening.</p> <p>"We decided Discovery was safe to fly as is," Mr. Parsons said. "Obviously, we were wrong."</p> <p>The foam incident occurred at two minutes into the launching, at a point where the atmosphere is so thin that the piece drifted away. The Columbia accident occurred in part because the foam fell off the tank about 82 seconds after liftoff, when the air was much thicker and slowed the foam so the climbing orbiter struck it with great force. N. Wayne Hale, the<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/debris.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/200/debris.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a> deputy manager of the shuttle program, said that if the Discovery foam had been shed earlier, "we think that it would have been really bad."</p><p>The Columbia and its crew were lost on re-entering the atmosphere because a 1.67-pound piece of insulating foam fell off the external tank and crashed through the leading edge of the shuttle's left wing.</p><p>NASA officials said that there is still a mission to complete and seven astronauts in space. Using the official numerical designation for the flight, Mr. Hale said, "Right now this team is focused on STS-114, and getting this crew home safely."</p>"Are we concerned about this? We're treating this very seriously," he said. "Are we losing sleep over it? Not yet."<br /><br /> <p> The shuttle astronauts - the commander, Col. Eileen M. Collins; Col. James M. Kelly; Stephen K. Robinson; and Soichi Noguchi, Andrew S. W. Thomas, Capt. Wendy B. Lawrence and Charles J. Camarda - did not take the grim news well. <a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/home%20alone.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/200/home%20alone.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a></p> <p>"Not losing sleep over it? Grounding all future flights?" asked Eileen Collins. "Are you idiots smoking crack? You expect us to work up here? We're all gonna die!!!!"<br /></p> <p>Rather than spending most of their workday using the shuttle's robot arm and a 50-foot sensor-tipped boom to inspect the craft's nose and the wings' leading edges, and preparing to dock with the International Space Station, all seven astronauts, who have since refused to radio any communication back to Houston, have reportedly been engaging in a wild, swinging, devil-may-care space orgy while listening to Marvin Gaye and Tweet. They intend to dock at the International Space Station long enough to pilfer the remaining cosmonaut vodka and then attempt to crash the shuttle directly into the mission control that doomed them from the start.<br /></p> <p>Salem's Lot has confirmed that at least five former employers and three present spouses have received telephone calls from the astronauts, telling them in exceptionally clear terms what they "really" thought about them on issues ranging from adultery to sick day policies.<br /></p> <p>As a question to our devoted readership, if you knew you were doomed in an ill-fated mission, what would you do with your final hours?<br /></p> <p>--- Salem Watchen, Aeorospace Correspondent<br />Houston, Texas<br />July 27, 2005<br /></p> </div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/14126275-112252192938775246?l=salemwatchen.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Salem Watchenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17933476589056521021noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14126275.post-1122435532504743652005-07-26T22:25:00.000-05:002005-07-26T22:44:33.843-05:00Atlanta, Georgia -<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/1926/1324/1600/lower%20lip.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/1926/1324/200/lower%20lip.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />Officials at the nation's Center for Disease Control have announced the results of their study into the difference between true love and herpes, and the results are astounding.<br /><br />Oral herpes, an infection caused by the herpes simplex virus, is estimated to be present in 50 to 80 percent of the American adult population. 20 percent, over 50 million people, are infected with genital herpes, also caused by the herpes simplex virus, and the majority<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/1926/1324/1600/Ben.Affleck..jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/1926/1324/200/Ben.Affleck..jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a> of these cases may be unaware they even have it. Those with the disease are not alone - many prominent celebrities and politicians also suffer from herpes. Few, if any, however, suffer from true love.<br /><br />Herpes, like true love, is most commonly spread through unprotected sex. Symptoms of herpes usually develop within 2 to 20 days after contact with the virus, although it could take longer. These symptoms may last up to several weeks, varying from one person to the next. When the sores are completely healed, the active phase of infection is over. Healing of the skin usually leaves no scars, unlike the remission of true love, which leaves lasting and deep scars visible in<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/1926/1324/1600/mccain.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/1926/1324/200/mccain.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a> the sunken, dead expression on the face of the victim. In either case, the virus retreats into the nervous system and lies dormant, much like true love after the initial infatuation wears off and sex becomes routine.<br /><br />The herpes virus starts to multiply when it gets into the skin cells. The skin becomes red and sensitive, and soon afterward, one or more blisters or bumps appear. The blisters first open, and then heal as new skin tissue forms. During a first outbreak, the area is usually painful and may itch, burn or tingle. Flu-like symptoms are also common. These include swollen glands, headache, muscle ache or fever. Herpes may also infect the urethra, and urinating may cause a burning sensation.<br /><br />Despite the numerous similarities between the two disorders, American scientists at the Center for Disease Control have found the primary means of distinguishing between true love and herpes:<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"> Herpes lasts forever.<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/1926/1324/1600/britney.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/1926/1324/320/britney.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br /></div><br />--- Robin DeVault, Health Watch Correspondent<br />Atlanta, Georgia<br />July 26, 2005<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/14126275-112243553250474365?l=salemwatchen.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Robin DeVaulthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11816569207325013026noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14126275.post-1122250382812966672005-07-24T18:55:00.000-05:002005-07-24T19:25:09.156-05:00London, England -<br /><div class="mxb"><div class="sh"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/DallasThree.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/200/DallasThree.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />Met Police Chief Sir Ian Blai<span style="font-size:100%;">r has apologized to th</span><span style="font-size:100%;">e family of an American oil tycoon shot dead by police in South London on Friday.<br /></span></div></div> <p><span style="font-size:100%;"><br />He said the death of J.R. Ewing was a "tragedy", b</span><span style="font-size:100%;">ut admitted more people could be shot as police hunt suspected suicide bombers.</span></p> <p> <span style="font-size:100%;">The Texas man's family condemned the shooting and said there was no reason to suspect him, aside from the goofy-looking ten-gallon Texas ranch hat, rattlesnake-skin boots, and briefcase literally overflowing with United States p</span><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/jr1.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/200/jr.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:100%;">aper currency.</span></p> <span style="font-size:100%;">Home Secretary Charles Clarke described the shooting of J.R. as an "absolute tragedy to everyone</span><span style="font-size:100%;"> but Carter McKay and Dusty Farlow, who swindled the man out of Ewing O</span><span style="font-size:100%;">il and his position at Weststar."<br /><br /></span> <p> <span style="font-size:100%;">J.R., who was completely unconnected to Thursday's attempted bombings, had moved to London to avoid being shot again, Scotland Yard has confirmed. It appears the oil tycoon believed the plainclothes policemen to be from the United States' Internal Revenue Service, and he fled in terror in the London Underground.</span></p> <p> <span style="font-size:100%;">The shooting is being investigated by Scotland Yard's Directorate of Professional Standards, and will be referred to the Independent Police Compla</span><span style="font-size:100%;">ints Commission. The United States apparently has little interest in investigating the facts and circumstances surrounding J.R.'s demise since no one really watches "Dallas" anymore.<br /></span></p> <p><span style="font-size:100%;">"I mean really," stated American tourist Lacy Jakes. "It's not like they shot Raw Blow's character on 'West Wing' or anything. Didn't somebody already shoot J.R.?"<br /></span></p> <p><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/lowe.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/320/lowe.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-size:100%;">--- Salem Watchen, Foreign News Correspondent<br />London, England<br />July 24, 2005<br /></span></p><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/14126275-112225038281296667?l=salemwatchen.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Salem Watchenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17933476589056521021noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14126275.post-1122159039304086462005-07-23T17:37:00.000-05:002005-07-23T17:58:44.776-05:00Washington, D.C. -<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/rumsfeld.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/320/rumsfeld.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />Faced with major recruiting problems sparked by troop deployments in Iraq and Afghanistan, the Pentagon has asked Congress to raise the maximum age for U.S. military enlistees from 35 years of age to "anyone dumb enough to die," according to Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld.<br /><br />The request, sent to lawmakers this week, would apply to all active duty branches of the military services, said Air Force Lt. Col. Ellen Krenke, a Pentagon spokeswoman, Friday. But it is aimed chiefly at the active duty Army, which has fallen far short of recruiting goals this year, by adding millions of potential enlistees.<br /><br />The new proposal would also raise the prior limit of 39 years of age for those with previous military service who seek to enlist in the Army Reserves and National Guard, and would, in fact, encourage the veteran armchair generals of the nation from World War II and the Vietnam War to make good on their threats to "go over there and take care of it myself." Those with mental disabilities are also strongly encouraged to run, not walk, to the nearest military recruiter to make the voices stop.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/ww21.gif"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/200/ww2.gif" alt="" border="0" /></a>"The United States Military will not discriminate," vowed Rumsfeld, "on the basis of race, religious creed, sex, veteran status, or disability. We need bodies over there, someone to take the shrapnel and keep the public really angry at those Arabs. Without the senseless and avoidable carnage, we may well lose support for this war."<br /><br />The Army National Guard, struggling more than any other part of the U.S. military to sign up new troops amid the Iraq war, missed its ninth straight monthly recruiting goal in June.<br /><br />The regular Army met its recruiting goal this month, but is still 14 percent behind its year-to-date recruiting target and is in danger of missing an annual recruiting goal for the first time since 1999. The Army Reserve is 21 percent behind its year-to-date goal and also in danger of falling short for the year. The reason for the shortfall is still an absolute mystery to Defense officials.<br /><br />"It's not like we're failing to properly advertise this opportunity to senselessly die in a Godless nation in the name of your country," speculated Rumsfeld. "Maybe we should start giving out keychains."<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/Veterans%20Against%20War.gif"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/320/Veterans%20Against%20War.gif" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />--- Salem Watchen, Military Correspondent<br />Washington, D.C.<br />July 23, 2005<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/14126275-112215903930408646?l=salemwatchen.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Salem Watchenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17933476589056521021noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14126275.post-1122078581410397502005-07-22T19:15:00.000-05:002005-07-22T19:35:09.920-05:00London, England -<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/chirac1.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/200/chirac.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />Scotland Yard has issued CCTV images of individuals it wants to question over the failed bomb attacks on three Tube trains and a bus in London.<br /><br />Scotland Yard urged anyone who knew the whereabouts of the individuals captured on CCTV to call 999. They said if they could identify any of them they should call the anti-terrorist hotline on 0800 789 321.<br /><br />Members of the public should not approach these indi<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/top.putin.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/320/top.putin.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a>viduals under any circumstances, police warned, nor should they watch any of their television programs or vote in any national elections of France or Russia in their favor.<br /><br />Metropolitan Police Commissioner Sir Ian Blair told a news conference Thursday's attacks and those two weeks earlier had left Scotland Yard facing "the greatest operational challenge" in its history.<br /><br />He said: "Officers are facing previously unknown threats and great danger. This operation is targeted against criminals - not any community or section of a community."<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/van%20susteren.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/320/van%20susteren.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />Thursday's attacks began at about 1230 BST, with bombs at Warren Street station, central London, Shepherd's Bush station in the west, Oval in the south and on a bus in Shoreditch, east London.<br /><br />Along with the CCTV images, police revealed details about the suspects' motives:<br /><br />* The first individual is suspected to have links to France and is positively enraged that Paris did not win the recent Olympic bid. His anti-British rhetoric has been spread throughout Germany and Russia, often denouncing British cultural quisine.<br />* The second individual's zany antics have recently included stealing the Superbowl ring of Patriots Owner Bob Kraft, and it is suspected that his motive was simply 'something that seemed fun at the time.'<br />* The third individual is an avowed hater of freedom and justice, as her underground television show's sole intent is to frustrate Western legal processes by portraying herself as a roving prosecutor of cases in which<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/dr_phil_2.gif"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/320/dr_phil_2.gif" alt="" border="0" /></a> she has absolutely no clue what really occurred. She was last seen on the island nation of Aruba.<br />* Police believe the fourth and final individual simply wanted to stir up controversy that he could quickly resolve with his no-nonsense approach to terrorism and out-of-control teenage girls.<br /><br />Police have asked that any images of the attacks are sent to www.police.uk. The hotline number for anybody with information is 0800 789 321. Witness reception points have been set up near the four scenes.<br /><br />Please contact Scotland Yard, the London Police, or the Chief Editor of Salem's Lot if you recognize any of these nefarious suspects.<br /><br /><br />--- Salem Watchen, London Terror Correspondent<br />London, England<br />July 22, 2005<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/14126275-112207858141039750?l=salemwatchen.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Salem Watchenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17933476589056521021noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14126275.post-1122077473420402292005-07-22T19:00:00.000-05:002005-07-22T19:11:13.430-05:00Laetoli, Tanzania -<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/lucy%20walking1.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/200/lucy%20walking1.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Australopithecus afarensis</span>, the early human who lived about 3.2 million years ago, walked upright, according to an "evolutionary robotics" model.<br /><br />The model, which uses footprints to predict gait, suggests "Lucy", as the first fossil afarensis was called, walked rather like us.<br /><br />However, there has been a debate about how "human" Lucy's posture actually was.<br /><br />Some scientists maintain she was probably rather stooped and may have shuffled awkwardly, much like a modern chimp does when it is walking bipedally for short distances; while others think she was upright, routinely walking tall on two legs.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/LucyPezCloseUp.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/200/LucyPezCloseUp.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />Twenty-five years ago, some footprints were found in Laetoli, Tanzania. The lonely path, trodden by at least two individuals walking side by side, was preserved immaculately in volcanic ash. It is thought to have been left by a pair of <span style="font-style: italic;">Australopithecus afarensis</span>, vainly retreating from an erupting volcano.<br /><br />The discovery of the Laetoli footprints generated a flurry of interest in scientists hoping to clear up the "posture debate". They claim to have cleared up the debate by finding that, based on their model, Lucy almost certainly did walk tall.<br /><br />In fact, the issue had been quite settled that Lucy, rather than a hominid-type creature, was in fact a large plastic <a href="http://tanlucypez.blogspot.com/">Pez dispenser</a> capable of discharging small rectangular blocks of colored sugar from her neck. That was until God's sudsy wudsy little blogger, <a href="http://barofsoap.blogspot.com/">Little Bar of Soap</a>, made a <a href="http://barofsoap.blogspot.com/2005/07/tan-lucy-pez-has-been-possessed-by.html">monkey out of her</a>.<br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/lucy%20reconstruct.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/320/lucy%20reconstruct.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />--- Robin DeVault, Anthropology Watch Contributor<br />Laetoli, Tanzania<br />July 22, 2005<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/14126275-112207747342040229?l=salemwatchen.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Robin DeVaulthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11816569207325013026noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14126275.post-1122067521105374052005-07-22T16:14:00.000-05:002005-07-22T16:34:15.456-05:00Redmond, Washington -<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/1926/1324/1600/Vista%20shot.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/1926/1324/320/Vista%20shot.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />Microsoft, the world's largest software maker, has said the next version of its much-delayed operating system will be known as Windows VISTA.<br /><br />VISTA, according to Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates, stands for "Verily, I Still Take All," an acronym that never fails to make Gates giggle darkly and maniacally rub his greedy little hands together.<br /><br />The software, until now known by its code name Longhorn, is due for release towards the end of 2006, half a decade after the launch of Windows XP.<br /><br />To hit the deadline Microsoft has already taken out a number of features it had promised for the system, primarily negligible security features that prevent things like computer viruses, hacker attacks, and unauthorized use of your personal computer by anyone with the basic computer skills of a five-year-old.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/1926/1324/1600/scrooge.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/1926/1324/320/scrooge.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a>On Thursday Microsoft announced fourth-quarter net profits of $3.7bn (£2.11bn) for the three months up to 30 June 2005. To date, Gates' personal wealth rivals that only of God Himself. God could not be reached for comment as of press time.<br /><br />Chief financial officer Chris Liddell said Microsoft would benefit greatly in the next financial year from new products, one of which will be YOU.<br /><br />Microsoft's flagship software already runs on about 90% of personal computers worldwide.<br /><br />According to Brad Goldberg, general manager of Windows product development at Microsoft, the renaming is in the interests of "communicating the idea of clarity".<br /><br />"That lets users focus on the things they need to focus on," he added. "Those things include acknowledging that they are owned, body and soul, by Bill Gates and his evil computer empire, which, Verily, will Take All."<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/1926/1324/1600/Bill%20Gates%20Smiling.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/1926/1324/320/Bill%20Gates%20Smiling.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />Microsoft has previously said that VISTA will make malicious software that gets onto computers without the users' knowledge "a thing of the past" after they release the service packs, which will only happen once everyone's personal information is downloaded into Gates' evil supercomputer designed to know everything about everyone everywhere.<br /><br />Executives at the firm say VISTA, which is likely to render every other operating system currently used obsolete within five weeks of release, has been designed with security as "part of the design, not a bolt-on," wink at each other mysteriously, playfully jab each other in the ribs, and then offer to sell some beachfront property in Kansas if we bought that one.<br /><br /><br />--- Robin DeVault, Tech Watch Contributor<br />Redmond, Washington<br />July 22, 2005<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/14126275-112206752110537405?l=salemwatchen.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Robin DeVaulthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11816569207325013026noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14126275.post-1121983225820575822005-07-21T16:40:00.000-05:002005-07-21T20:46:56.970-05:00London, England -<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/tony%20blair%20evil%20eye.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/200/tony%20blair%20evil%20eye.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br /><br />Quick on the heels of the 7/7 London Terror bombings, more bombs rocked London early this morning. British Prime Minister Tony Blair, quite losing his religion, cast the Evil Eye to the wrong-doers responsible, and vowed to unleash the "baddest Bombs" in the United Kingdom himself before sending them abroad.<br /><br />"I have spoken with the American President, and we are in accord to unleash 'the Bombs,'" declared PM Blair, "We expect George Clinton and the Parliament Funkadelic to arrive in the Mothership at any moment and begin rocking this nation bac<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/GC%20and%20mothership.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/200/GC%20and%20mothership.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a>k to security."<br /><br />As Blair spoke, the Mothership landed in front of Buckingham Palace in a cloud of smoke and flashing lights, and "The Bomb" himself, George Clinton, emerged in all his funkadelic glory and mind-blowing splendor to reclaim the hearts and minds of the terrorized Londoners with the Mothership Connection and restore their shaken sense of grooviosity.<br /><br />Addressing the Muslim Terrorists responsible, Clinton sang out, "I'm through with you, baby I refuse to be blue. Let hurt put youuuuuuu in the loser seat. Let hurt put youuuuu behind the wheel."<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/pfunk%20mob.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/200/pfunk%20mob.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br /><br />London crowds cheered the most styling arrival, joining in unison in the refrain evidencing the prevalent Blitz Spirit, "I refuse to be blue, baby I'm cutting you loose, let hurt put youuuuuuuuuuu in the loser seat. Let hurt put youuuuuu behind the wheel. Let you see how it feels, to be un-for-real. To be without a love of your own and all your goodies are gone. All you goodies are gone! All your goodies are gone!"<br /><br />The rest of the P-funk mob emerged from the Mothership to restore peace, love, understanding, order, and righteous funkin' stability, and to put a definitive end, once and for all, to the long-standing row over whether Londoners should "get up" or "get down."<br /><br />"It's so s<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/madonna.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/200/madonna.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a>imple, Star Child," sang Clinton, "You get up for the down stroke, everybody get up. How else are you gonna 'Tear the Roof Off the Sucka?'"<br /><br />Blair vowed to release further Bombs within the United Kingdom, including but not limited to the most devastating American Bomb in residence, Madonna, currently stationed at the Ashcrombe Estate awaiting deployment. "You cannot shake our resolve with your rhetoric of hate. We, and our great allies, the United States, will unleash the most immoral decadence the Middle East has ever seen. Wait until you see Madonna's 'Sex on the Beach 2006' tour."<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/stones.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/200/stones.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />On rumors that British bombs the Rolling Stones could be deployed as soon as mid-August, Minister Blair stated, "Now, there's no need to be rash; I don't quite believe the situation is that grave at present, but we shall not rule out the possibility should these cowardly acts continue."<br /><br />Blair did confirm, however, that his is considering appointing Clinton as Minister of This Whole Funkin' Mess if he can obtain appropriate fashion counsel and dress in a manner befitting a member of his Cabinet.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/minister%20of%20funk.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/320/minister%20of%20funk.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a>"I can dig it," Clinton assured Blair, "just don't step on my funk."<br /><br /><br />--- Salem Watchen, Foreign News Correspondent<br />London, England<br />July 21, 2005<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/14126275-112198322582057582?l=salemwatchen.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Salem Watchenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17933476589056521021noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14126275.post-1121920235854636492005-07-20T23:12:00.000-05:002005-07-21T01:28:40.930-05:00Washington, D.C. -<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/Wild_Wild_West_Bush_small.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/320/Wild_Wild_West_Bush_small.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br /><br />Despite calls from Congressional Democrats for the resignation of administration official Karl Rove, President Bush maintained his faith in the legal process and the integrity of Rove throughout the course of the investigation into the infamous "White House Leak."<br /><br />"I stayed the course; I did not falter or waiver in my conviction that my friend, Karl Rove, was not responsible for the 'White House Leak,'" President Bush stated on news of the results of the investigation.<br /><br />"I, for one, am glad this investigation is over. The allegations against me were entirely unfounded, and I would never be a leaker under this administration. A little sprinkle on the seat, perhaps, but nothing so outrageous as to be considered a 'White House Leak,'" declared Rove from the White House.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/alamo.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/200/alamo.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />Ozzy Osbourne, notorious for acts such as his drunken urination on the side of the Alamo during a 1982 tour, has been determined to be the infamous 'White House Leaker' who besoiled carpets and rugs in the Oval Office, often urinating in a pentacle or pentagram pattern for all to see. The stains of upside-down crosses are still preserved as evidence on the walls of the Oval Office.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/ozzy%20pointing1.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/200/ozzy%20pointing.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />President Bush, on review of the incriminating and conclusory internal surveillance tapes, immediately terminated Osbourne as Secretary of Evil for the administration. While Bush has yet to confer with Senators regarding his replacement Secretary of Evil, it is suspected that President Bush may surprise all political analysts with an appointment from the 'enemy camp,' possibly as soon as next week.<br /><br />In his defense, former Secretary Osbourne said, "I really don't bloody remember a thing. I mean, this is a new one for even me. Biting the head of a pigeon or a bat, or even urinating on the Alamo, I can see. But this? It looks like something I'd do, but I really just don't bloody remember a thing."<br /><br />With the apprehension and termination of the suspected leaker, no further criminal investigation or charges will be pursued. "Today was a good day; we caught the bad guy without having to invade an oil-producing nation. Justice has run its course," President Bush concluded. "Not even the Secretary of Evil can leak in my office."<br /><br />This Presidential dictate poses no threat to the impending reign of anticipated appointee Hillary Rodham Clinton, according to Clinton spokespersons.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/link.hillary.clinton.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/320/link.hillary.clinton.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />--- Salem Watchen, White House Correspondent<br />Washington, D.C.<br />July 21, 2005<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/14126275-112192023585463649?l=salemwatchen.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Salem Watchenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17933476589056521021noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14126275.post-1121889868874796752005-07-20T14:43:00.000-05:002005-07-20T15:04:28.880-05:00Atlanta, Georgia -<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/1926/1324/1600/mosquito1.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/1926/1324/200/mosquito.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />Health officials at the Nation's Center for Disease Control (CDC) have issued their warning for a summer health threat that returns and increases the risks to individuals in the United States each year. West Nile Virus, carried by primarily by mosquitos, has been found to have mutated, and can now be transmitted from human to human by gestures, music, and the mutually-gratifying exchange of body fluids.<br /><br />"This na<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/1926/1324/1600/egyptians.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/1926/1324/200/egyptians.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a>tion is facing a serious health threat of epidemic proportions," warns CDC spokeswoman April Leers. "We can't stress enough the dangers of contracting West Nile virus."<br /><br />At particular risk are groups that include foreign types with the hookah pipes, often saying "Ay oh whey oh, ay oh whey oh," blonde waitresses, often seen with trays, and evidencing symptoms such as spinning around and crossing the floor, and if you drop your drink, then they bring you more. Also at risk this year, according to Leers, are school children.<br /><br />Says Leers: "All the school kids so sick of books, they like the punk and the metal band, when the buzzer rings, oh whey oh, they're walking like an Egyptian. Additionally, all the kids in the marketplace say 'ay oh whey oh, ay oh whey oh,' and as could be exp<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/1926/1324/1600/anubis.gif"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/1926/1324/200/anubis.gif" alt="" border="0" /></a>ected from the symptoms, they walk like an Egyptian."<br /><br />First responders such as police generally contract the West Nile virus on responding to contaminated crisis scenes, although they often do not display symptoms until much later. "All the cops in the donut shop, they sing and dance, say 'ay oh whey oh, ay oh whey oh,' spin their clubs, cruise down the block. All without any indication that they are active carriers," according to Leers.<br /><br />The West Nile virus has plagued various civilizations throughout history, often depicted in pictoral forms in burial chambers. Even to the present, many nations suffer from the spread of West Nile virus, even all the Japanese with their yen, the party boys call the Kremlin, and the Chinese know, oh whey oh, they walk the line like Egyptian."<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/1926/1324/1600/walk%20like%20an%20egyptian3.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/1926/1324/200/walk%20like%20an%20egyptian3.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />There is, at present, no known cure for West Nile virus. Individuals are urged to remain inside and refrain from listening to the Bangles until the CDC lifts the nationwide health alert. Cities and municipalities have taken action to legally prohibit transmission of the disease, with mixed results.<br /><br />Should you, your friends, or family begin to display any symptoms of West Nile virus, including Tourette's Syndrome-type chanting of 'ay oh whey oh, ay oh whey oh,' striking akward poses, walking as though afflicted with rigor mortis, or even the final symptoms of the disease, walking like an Egyptian, contact the CDC or local medical emergency personnel immediately.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/1926/1324/1600/sign%20prohibition.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/1926/1324/320/sign%20prohibition.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />--- Robin DeVault, Health Watch Contributor<br />Atlanta, Georgia<br />July 20, 2005<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/14126275-112188986887479675?l=salemwatchen.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Robin DeVaulthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11816569207325013026noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14126275.post-1121832314156264982005-07-19T22:42:00.000-05:002005-07-22T12:51:53.206-05:00Washington, D.C. -<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/john%20g.%20roberts%2C%20jr..jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/320/john%20g.%20roberts%2C%20jr..jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />President George W. Bush on Tuesday picked Judge John G. Roberts, Jr. to replace retiring Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Conor. <p><br />Speaking from the East Room, Bush said Roberts is "widely admired for his intellect, his sound judgment and personal decency.</p> <p>"The decisions of the Supreme Court affect the life of every American. And so a nominee to that court must be a person of superb credentials and the highest integrity, a person who will faithfully apply the Constitution and keep our founding promise of equal justice under law," Bush said.</p> <p>"I have found such a person in Judge John Roberts. And tonight I am honored to announce that I am nominatin<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/bush%20horns.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/320/bush%20horns.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a>g him to serve as associate justice of the Supreme Court."<br /></p> <p>He then sniggered to himself, uncrossed his fingers, and flashed the 'Hook 'em' horns of Texas, and announced, "Eat that, you liberal trash. You'll be bowing down to bigger horns when you leave my holy land and burn in the lake of fire. You want to fight over my Supreme Court pick? Bring it."</p> <p>Roberts is no stranger to the Supreme Court. He served as a law clerk to Rehnquist and was the deputy solicitor general during the presidency of George H.W. Bush, where he argued cases in front of the court. He also served as associate counsel to President Reagan during Reagan's first term.</p> <p>Sen. John Cornyn, R-Texas, said that the president has done his job by selecting Roberts and made the right decision.</p> <p>"Judge Roberts is an exceptional judge, brilliant legal mind, and a man of outstanding character who understands his profound duty to follow the law. He has enjoyed a distinguished history of public service and professional achievement. It is clear to me that Judge Robert's history has prepared him well for the honor of serving this country on our nation's highest court, and I strongly support his nomination," Cornyn said.</p> <p>"We have, right now, the most activist Supreme Court in my lifetime. No Supreme Court of my lifetime has overturned or undercut more laws passed by Congress than this court has, everything from Violence Against Women on through, environmental laws, employment laws, all of these things. This is a very, very activist court. I want to know whether he's going to be like that, somebody who would eagerly and willingly overturn settled law," Sen. Patrick Leahy (D-VT) said.</p> <p>Added Sen. Dick Durbin, D-Ill., who also opposed Roberts in 2003: "The president had an opportunity to unite the country with his Supreme Court nomination, to nominate an individual in the image of Justice Sandra Day O'Connor. Instead, by putting forward John Roberts' name, President Bush has chosen a more controversial nominee and guaranteed a more controversial confirmation process."<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/edward%20kennedy2.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/200/edward%20kennedy.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a></p> <p>Massachusetts Senator Edward Kennedy, in a separate press conference where he was expected to lambast the President's nomination, turned red, then purple, clenched and unclenched his angry little fist, and dropped dead of a simultaneous anyeurism and acute myocardial infarction.<br /></p><br />Other Congressional Democrats fared better in giving their statements in opposition to President Bush's sneaky b<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/yosemite.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/320/yosemite.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a>ait-and-switch nomination.<br /><br />"Why that varmint!" exclaimed Senator Yosemite Sam (D-MT). "Great horny toads! That miggle-fraggle snaggum four-flushin' yella' belly double crossed us again!" Senator Sam then drew both pistols, fired numerous rounds into the air while running in circles and cursing incoherently, and was escorted from the Senate as his biscuits were a'burnin'.<br /><br />More level-headed Congressmen called for order and understanding. "Now, boy, I say, I say, now boy," Senator Foghorn Leghorn (R-AR) explained, "Now, I say, now this is what this, I say, boy, now this is what this country needs. I say."<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/j-classicfoghorn.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/320/j-classicfoghorn.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br /><br />--- Salem Watchen, Legal Correspondent<br />Washington, D.C.<br />July 19, 2005<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">This Article is Dedicated to She Who Was Wanting More</span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/14126275-112183231415626498?l=salemwatchen.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Salem Watchenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17933476589056521021noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14126275.post-1121805006390265862005-07-19T15:13:00.000-05:002005-07-19T15:42:59.266-05:00Tampa, Florida -<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/02-snaps_23-year-old-teacher_debra-lafave1.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/320/02-snaps_23-year-old-teacher_debra-lafave1.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a> <p>All eyes were on her, and she didn't flinch as photographers fired away.</p> <p> Monday was supposed to be a big day for Debra LaFave, talk show tantalizer and tabloid tidbit. The trial of the former Greco Middle School reading teacher accused of having sex with a 14-year-old student was supposed to begin, but it will now be months before that happens.<br /></p> <p>On Monday, Hillsborough Circuit Judge Wayne Timmerman set a Dec. 5 trial date for LaFave, 24, after negotiations broke off between her defense attorney and state prosecutors."We had hoped to resolve this case without a trial but obviously we were unsuccessful," said LaFave's attorney, John Fitzgibbons. Fitzgibbons said plea negotiations broke down because prosecutors were demanding too much state prison time for his client.<br /></p> "To place an attractive young woman in that<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/1870178_6f76007bbc.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/320/1870178_6f76007bbc.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a> kind of hell hole is like placing a piece of raw meat in with the lions," Fitzgibbons said. "I don't think Debbie could survive it."<br /><br /> <p> LaFave was arrested in the driveway of the teenage boy's Temple Terrace home in June 2004. Charged with two counts of lewd and lascivious battery, she could face up to 15 years on each felony charge.</p> <p>A state psychologist said in a 37-page report that LaFave was not insane when she allegedly had sex with the boy. But a psychologist hired by the defense said LaFave has "issues" that may have influenced her thinking at the time.</p> <p>Timmerman's order calls for LaFave to meet with two additional court-appointed doctors for further psychological review. If the two sides can't agree on which doctors, the judge will appoint them.</p> <p> LaFave is also facing a charge of lewd and lascivious exhibition in Marion County. Authorities there say she and the teenager had sex in the back of her sport utility vehicle while the teen's cousin, 15, drov<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/lavfave%20in%20pink.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/320/lavfave%20in%20pink.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a>e them around Ocala.</p> On realization that Debra LaFave could potentially be released to teach again, millions of students from elementary through high school have pre-emptively filed for court orders restraining their parents from sending them to any school that does not employ LaFave.<br /><br />Relatedly, millions of college flunkies and graduates, and men up to forty years of age have filed various civil proceedings against their parents and school boards for failing to provide them with a teacher like LaFave, or in the alternative, Debra LaFave herself.<br /><br />Plaintiffs' attorneys across the nation forsee mandatory case management and mediation of all the suits, as there simply is not enough money in the world economy to compensate for the injury of failing to provide young men with a hot, if mildly deranged, little sex kitten like Debra LaFave at any point in their academic careers. Claims charge parents and school systems with numerous counts ranging from simple negligence to strict liability to outright malice.<br /><br />"I mean really," belched alcoholic college drop-out Ned Churrin. "If I'd had some little trollop like that to schtupp between classes, I wouldn't be here now. I could'a really motivated to be sump'in."<br /><br />Even successful citizens have joined what is expected to be the largest class-action lawsuit in the history of American and English law. Dartmouth Magna Cum Laude Graduate Greg McCaighren had this to say: "If I'd had that hot little sex kitten to motivate and free me from my inhibitions at a young age, I wouldn't wear tweed and be the most repressed man since Bill Gates. This is an outrage; I haven't felt this violated since I was an altar boy."<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/lafave_debra_bike6.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/320/lafave_debra_bike6.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />--- Salem Watchen, Legal Correspondent<br />Tampa, Florida<br />July 19, 2005<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/14126275-112180500639026586?l=salemwatchen.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Salem Watchenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17933476589056521021noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14126275.post-1121731846792694742005-07-18T18:55:00.000-05:002005-07-18T19:10:46.800-05:00London, England -<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/blair_in_khartoum.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/320/blair_in_khartoum.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />Following the public outcry for the blood of wrong-doers responsible for the 7/7 bombings in London, Prime Minister Tony Blair has again collaborated with his ally across the sea, American President George Bush, and the pair have concocted the "Final Solution" to eradicate the terrorist menance.<br /><br />"You had your chance," Prime Minister Blair addressed the Muslim terrorists who doubtless could not understand a word he was saying, "but you attacked us within our borders, in our very home. You killed innocent civilians, and for this, you will pay dearly. No more Mr. Nice Bloke."<br /><br />President Bush echoed the sentiment from the White House in Washington, D.C., "Finally - now, Tony this is what I'm talking about. Let's go kick some Arab butt."<br /><br />According to the new plan, released to British and American military leaders today, the nations have found it crucial to their domestic security to retract their "no first strike" policy with regard to the use of nuclear weapons.<br /><br />United States Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld described the implications of the "Final Solution" as follows: "We're going to carpet-bomb the desert, and turn the sand to glass. Once the smoke clears, we're sending in the clean up crew for whatever's left."<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/RUGBY.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/320/RUGBY.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />The "Clean Up Crew," first suggested by PM Blair, consists of violent and aggressive sports celebrities. Frustrated by the slow-going pace of the progress in the War on Terror with hunt-and-seek military computers, Blair has effectively drafted the most vicious rugby players in Britian for the final stage of hand-to-hand combat on what will soon become a sheet of glass.<br /><br />Not to be outdone, President Bush has pledged to release the Stanley Cup winning Jersey Devils, notorious for their violence, and quite able to navigate the desert-to-glass landscape on their skates. "Now we won't be sending our boys in for any hand-to-hand nonsense. We'll be playing stick-to-turban with the Devils."<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/brodeur1.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/320/brodeur1.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />--- Salem Watchen, Military Correspondent<br />London, England<br />July 18, 2005<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/14126275-112173184679269474?l=salemwatchen.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Salem Watchenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17933476589056521021noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14126275.post-1121715786841117512005-07-18T14:39:00.000-05:002005-07-18T15:28:01.953-05:00Providence, Rhode Island -<br /><br />I accompanied my cousin and Chief Editor of Salem's Lot to visit his dear departed wife today.<br /><br />Salem had this to say in her memory:<br /><br />"Darling, I do believe this is the first time I've given you flowers that you didn't complain because I couldn't find any red roses."<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/1926/1324/1600/Darling%27s%20Flowers.jpeg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/1926/1324/320/Darling%27s%20Flowers.jpeg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br /><div style="text-align: center;">"<span style="font-style: italic;">Rest in Peace, and Leave My Cousin Alone</span>,<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">You Evil, Evil Woman"</span><br /><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />You may wonder what happened to Mrs. Watchen, since Salem won't talk about it. In brief:<br /><br />It really was no miracle. What happened was just this.<br />The wind began to switch - the house to pitch and suddenly the hinges started to unhitch.<br />Just then the Witch - to satisfy an itch went flying on her broomstick, thumbing for a hitch.<br /><br />And oh, what happened then was rich.<br /><br />The house began to pitch. The kitchen took a slitch.<br />It landed on the Wicked Witch in the middle of a ditch,<br />Which was not a healthy situation for the Wicked Witch.<br /><br />The house began to pitch. The kitchen took a slitch.<br />It landed on the Wicked Witch in the middle of a ditch,<br />Which was not a healthy situation for the Wicked Witch.<br /><br />... Who began to twitch and was reduced to just a stitch of what was once the Wicked Witch.<br /><br /></div> <div style="text-align: left;">--- Robin DeVault, Grief Analyst<br />Providence, Rhode Island<br />July 18, 2005<br /></div> </div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/14126275-112171578684111751?l=salemwatchen.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Robin DeVaulthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11816569207325013026noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14126275.post-1121709107355328812005-07-18T12:38:00.000-05:002005-07-18T12:53:07.400-05:00Detroit, Michigan -<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/1926/1324/1600/blood-donor.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/1926/1324/320/blood-donor.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />In light of the sky-rocketing price of gas, the nation's oil industry has, in select locations, begun to trade the sought-after fuel for another sought-after and much-needed fluid: blood.<br /><br />Exxon Spokesperson Larry Scheister explained, "Well, we're just making money hand over fist, but we thought - God, this is just sick. We should really try to do something for the world besides killing penguins and seals with our little 'drunken mishaps.' So we teamed up with the International Red Cross, and now we have the 'Blood for Gas' Program bringing in great results in major American cities."<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/1926/1324/1600/blood%20bags.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/1926/1324/320/blood%20bags.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />Rusty Needles, of the American Red Cross, praised the plan. "This is brilliant, and it does such good for the world. Really. In light of the potential for terrorist attacks and our perpetual shortage of fresh blood, this program has not only slammed the breaks on our losses, it's taken us back into the black. People need to get to work and rage around in their little coffins on wheels yapping on cell phones like they own the world, and we need blood. It works out best for everyone."<br /><br />According to Scheister, the program works like this: the motorist pulls up to the gas station, at which the "Blood for Gas" program is explained beside the pay-at-the-pump credit card slot. If they prefer to give blood instead of their laughably inadequate meagre hard-earned income, they simply notify the attendant, who will call in the local Blood Mobile. The current going rate is one (1) gallon of blood for eight (8) gallons of gasoline (any grade). As the human body normally holds between four (4) and five (5) gallons of blood, most purchases are a mix of bloo<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/1926/1324/1600/2006-hummer-h3-front.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/1926/1324/320/2006-hummer-h3-front.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a>d and money, but what isn't in the United States?<br /><br />"Now this program won't help everyone," Scheister cautioned. "Gas-guzzling SUV's are still in a fix, but we've heard there are new plans to scrap the hybrid car, which will just cost the auto industry money in the long run, and come up with an SUV that can run off of blood and plasma. We at Exxon are also working on a membership program where members can trade their children for a few months of fuel, but we're still working out the details."<br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/1926/1324/1600/suv%20killer.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/1926/1324/320/suv%20killer.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />--- Salem Watchen, Environmental Corrsepondent<br />Detroit, Michigan<br />July 18, 2005<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/14126275-112170910735532881?l=salemwatchen.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Salem Watchenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17933476589056521021noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14126275.post-1121707569766096562005-07-18T12:12:00.000-05:002005-07-18T12:29:56.236-05:00Wichita, Kansas -<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/1926/1324/1600/homer_brain_small_2.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/1926/1324/320/homer_brain_small_2.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />Shortly after coming on board with Salem's Lot, I received a call from a frantic editor of an online news source from Rhode Island, whose name has been withheld to protect his privacy. He was bleeding profusely, the result of a little-known and less-appreciated health risk facing all trendy men today.<br /><br />Whether you subscribe to evolution, creationism, or intelligent design, one basic fact remains: men's breasts don't work. Their mammary glands and nipples are vestigial, which means, in biological terms, they don't do anything, but it's possible that they used to at some distant point in time, much like men's brains.<br /><br />What is the risk posed to men's useless breasts? It stems primarily from men's desire to be beautiful like women. While there is something manly, probably by definition, about a hairy chest, no one really wants to see wet clumps of nappy hair on a pasty-pale chest at the swimming pool.<br /><br />Thus it is not unusual for male swimmers to shave their entire body, or at least make their best attempt.<br /><br />This unnamed editor, also a swimmer, was shaving his chest last evening with a Gillette Good News razor. Gillette, by the way, is named for the Frenchman who invented the guillotine, which beheaded countless citizens and dissendents during the French Revolution. The association holds true today, as I will now describe.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/1926/1324/1600/janet%20flop.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/1926/1324/320/janet%20flop.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />This editor, who has a smooth and solid chest, didn't want to make a project out of shaving, so he quickly cut the hair from his chest in the mirror while he was on a cell phone (mistake #2).<br /><br />In ripping the razor around his nipple hair, he knicked the nipple. That was when the panic began.<br /><br />"Oh my God! It looks like I've been shot!" he exclaimed as blood literally poured down his chest. "Vestigial my foot! That thing was ready to go! Look at that blood!"<br /><br />The unnamed editor, according to all reports, has recovered since the incident. Under my medical advice, he applied pressure to the open wound, which means that he basically looked like he was nursing a box of Kleenex until the bleeding finally stopped.<br /><br />As a general health warning to all men, if you must shave your chest, go slow around the nipples, and don't shave on a cell phone. If you can't get it right, just leave the pretty breasts to the ladies who know how to use them.<br /><br />--- Robin DeVault, Health Watch Contributor<br />Wichita, Kansas<br />July 18, 2005<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/14126275-112170756976609656?l=salemwatchen.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Robin DeVaulthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11816569207325013026noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14126275.post-1121662588341253032005-07-17T23:45:00.000-05:002005-07-18T00:09:18.983-05:00Wichita, Kansas -<br /><br />Salem Watchen, Chief Editor of Salem's Lot, consented to an interview by the Just PureMood blog (http://justpuremood.com/), an agreement that traded his answers for an expose article on this wonderful website.<br /><br />PureMood inquired of Salem:<br /><br />Q1- A book about your life is being written, what’s the title?<br />Q2- Something major just happened, it’s good - who do you tell, first?<br />Q3- How did you find my site?<br />Q4- What are 2 of your bad habits?<br />Q5- Why would you be a good person for the job?<br /><br />I interviewed Salem on behalf of PureMood, and he gave the following answers:<br /><br />A1 - The title of the book about my life would be “Falling From Grace to Raise Some Hell”<br />A2- If something good happened, I wouldn’t tell anyone.<br />A3- Not sure. I think I linked through from Michelle’s site.<br />A4- Smoking, heavy smoking, & sleeping like the dead.<br />A5- I’m not just a ‘good person’ for the job; I’m THE person for the job. I’m competent, reliable, analytical, and produce excellent results with absolutely no supervision. Most importantly, I work cheap.<br /><br />Now to the article, our first in a weekly series of reports bringing web logs demonst<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/1926/1324/1600/puremoodimage1.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/1926/1324/200/puremoodimage.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a>rating excellence in concept, content, or creativity to the attention of our readers, as the sidebar links aren't too particularly grabbing.<br /><br />Just PureMood is a breath of fresh air in the sterile world of information the internet has to offer. PureMood shares little bits of her 'real life' (i.e. when she turns away from the monitor and keyboard), and they have a Norman Rockwell wholesomeness to them. PureMood also mixes the posts with engaging questions, photos from 'real life,' and entertaining tangients like Church Bloopers (you'll have to see her site).<br /><br />As a part of this weekly column, if you know of a notable site that deserves recognition, drop me a line and we'll start them off with five questions and go from there.<br /><br />If you find your way over to Just PureMood, tell her you came from Salem's Lot.<br /><br />--- Robin DeVault, Web Focus Columnist<br />Wichita, Kansas<br />July 18, 2005<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/14126275-112166258834125303?l=salemwatchen.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Robin DeVaulthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11816569207325013026noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14126275.post-1121661887828553532005-07-17T23:42:00.000-05:002005-07-17T23:44:47.826-05:00Wichita, Kansas -<br /><br />I've finally moved up from consultant to contributor, and Salem wants me to introduce myself in an article before I post anything else. <br /><br />Great.<br /><br />I'm Robin DeVault.<br /><br />--- Robin DeVault, Fresh Blood<br />Wichita, Kansas<br />July 18, 2005<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/14126275-112166188782855353?l=salemwatchen.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Robin DeVaulthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11816569207325013026noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14126275.post-1121635442872000582005-07-17T16:04:00.000-05:002005-07-17T16:59:35.710-05:00Geneva, Switzerland -<br /><br />The World Conference on Environmental Issues has issued its final report on the cleanest, and filthiest, places on the planet. Numerous groups participated in the conference, including Global Learning and Observations to Benefit the Environment (GLOBE), The Center for International Environmental Law, and the American Environmental Protection Agency (EPA). Their conclusions were unexpected to many, and nations are pledging new funding and legislation to address the issues raised by the groups.<br /><br />Surprisingly, every place named in the World's Top (10) Filthiest was in a civilized nation. "We've drawn a <a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/149000.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/320/149000.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a>direct correlation between education and economy, and the ability to thoroughly befoul oneself," explained World Conference Spokesman Abdullah Hajimar.<br /><br />Rome topped the list of filth for Continental Europe, which is not surprising, according to Hajimar, "as you'd expect to have some trash after a few thousand years of occupation. They have finally stopped burning Christians and feeding them to lions, so we took that into consideration."<br /><br />No Asian nations were on the list of filthiest places in the world, presumably because they use chopsticks and outside of bukake, tend to be rather tidy by nature.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/ny.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/320/ny.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />The United States clearly dominated the list of filthiest places in the world, being home of the most educated and wealthy civilization. In a shock to many, New York City was not on the list. "New York's really come a long way," said Rudy Giuliani, former mayor of New York. "After we had our buildings redesigned with hijacked airplanes, we decided to make a few changes."<br /><br />And change New York did. The city once reputed as one of the world's most dangerous is now ranked at number 8 on the list of the world's cleanest cities. New York's landfill and neighbor to the east, New Jersey, did not fare as well with the World Conference.<br /><br />"Hey, whaddaya expect? It's Joisey. Geddoudda here, I got nuddin' else to say to youse," New Jersey Governor Richard J. Codey responded to the news that the entire state occupied number 3 on the list of the world's filthiest places.<br /><br />After a careful review and exacting analysis of all relevant factors, the World Conference determined that Paris is, by far, the filthiest place on the planet Earth at present.<br /><br />"I mean really," Fox News Channel's Bill O'Reilly contributed, "After the sex video scandal, she could have worked to mitigate the damage to her reputation, but she exploited it! There was the sexy-burger ad, and she can't seem to stop hopping from one sex-soaked mattress to another. It's no surprise to me that that gutter-slut finally achieved world recognition for her baseless immorality. It's disgusting."<br /><br />Paris Hilton, recently named the filthiest place on Earth, had this to say: "You are like, so sued. Oh my God! DADDY!!!!!!"<br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/paris13vj.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/320/paris13vj.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />--- Salem Watchen, Environmental Correspondent<br />Geneva, Switzerland<br />July 17, 2005<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/14126275-112163544287200058?l=salemwatchen.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Salem Watchenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17933476589056521021noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14126275.post-1121554583998120522005-07-16T17:42:00.000-05:002005-07-16T18:41:45.000-05:00Los Angeles, California -<br /><br />Following on the heels of the recent success in preserving the life of the three thousand year old Supreme Court Justice William H. Rehnquist, Scientology Scientists in Los Angeles have announced their most recent truimph certain to astound the medical community.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/rehnquist_012299ap.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/320/rehnquist_012299ap.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />"It was so clear, when it happened," Mad Scientologist Dr. Barry Rogers explained. "We heard from our sources - you know, those creepy little guys in suits who break into places and get us confidential files - that Justice Rehnquist was really in the hospital to have his uranium battery changed to give him another three thousand years of functionality. So we thought, instead of simply preserving life, why not destroy the mind and kill the body, and re-animate it? And PRESTO!" he exclaimed. "We now have our first successfully re-animated TomKat Zombie!"<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/tomcruise_interviewvampire_01.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/320/tomcruise_interviewvampire_01.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />Scientologist Tom Cruise, fiancee of the newly-reanimated Katie Holmes, was ecstatic. "Yes! Man, I'm telling you, this is what Scientology is all about. We've conquered science! We've conquered death! The aliens will never stop us now! Mwa hahahaha!"<br /><br />Regarding speculation that he had unfairly and ruthlessly brainwashed his soon-to-be child bride of Frankenstein, Cruise responded, "Scientology believes that the brain is a d<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/katie_holmes2.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/320/katie_holmes2.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a>elicate machine, and the barbaric term 'brainwashing' is almost entirely without any meaning. You can't simply 'wash' the human brain, except in the manner we had to when we dropped the transplant on the floor during the operation, but that's different."<br /><br />Katie Holmes, who has been interviewed since the resurrection, had this to say: "Nnnnrrrggghhhh. Unnnngggghhhh. Rrrrrggggnnnn," at which point Cruise rewarded her with kisses and jewelry. Dr. Rogers explained that Holmes, whose brain formerly belonged to a rhesus monkey, the most evolutionarily similar species to humans, will require certain "re-programming at the Scientology centre" to attain simple skills such as speaking and voluntary bowel movements.<br /><br />"This is an outrage!" American Medical Association President John Williams declared on hearing the news. "There is no practical scientific application or moral appeal to killing a perfectly healthy human being, replacing their brain with that of a monkey, and resurrecting them! Dear God, what have we done?"<br /><br />Evangelist Pat Robertson was quick to assign blame to what he referred to as the "Celebrity Cults" of Hollywood. "This comes from wilful disobedience to God's Word. 'Christian Scientology' is an oxymoron. Had poor Katie been able to convert to that Kannabalism or whatever Madonna's following, she'd still be with us."<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/britneymadonna.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/320/britneymadonna.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />--- Salem Watchen, Celebrity Correspondent<br />Los Angeles, California<br />July 16, 2005<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/14126275-112155458399812052?l=salemwatchen.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Salem Watchenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17933476589056521021noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14126275.post-1121465330402659302005-07-15T17:06:00.000-05:002005-07-16T10:19:37.816-05:00<div style="text-align: center;">Valentine's Day is just around the corner -<br /><br />- and nothing says<br />"Of Course I Forgive You, Darling"<br />like digging the hole yourself.<br /></div><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/57508743_189714597_01.jpeg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/400/57508743_189714597_0.jpeg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />--- The Staff of Salem's Lot<br />Providence, Rhode Island<br />July 15, 2005<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/14126275-112146533040265930?l=salemwatchen.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Salem Watchenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17933476589056521021noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14126275.post-1121459181454028362005-07-15T15:05:00.000-05:002005-07-16T01:08:10.796-05:00North Hollywood, California -<br /><br />Authorities are frantic at the revelation that one of the United States' most popular up-and-coming superstars has disappeared, for at least "twenty years or so," according to law enforcement officials.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/tiffany41.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/200/tiffany4.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />"We really don't know what happened," Sheriff Chip McCune explained to Salem's Lot. "She was here one minute, then there was that whole 'Walk Like an Egyptian' thing, then the 90's were here. I guess no one really noticed she was gone."<br /><br />California native Tiffany briefly rose to fame in the early 1980's with such hit albums as "Tiffany," "Hold an Old Friend's Hand," "New Inside," and "Dreams Never Die." Despite her widespread popularity, apparently no one noticed when she disappeared.<br /><br />"We're thinking sometime between 1985 and 1987, but that's a rough estimate, at best," conceded McCune.<br /><br />British rocker Billy Idol was briefly detained in the disappear<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/billy_idol_epa_187610g.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/200/billy_idol_epa_187610g.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a>ance, but released. "I've got no bloody idea what happened to her. I was frankly shocked - shocked, I tell you - to find out it's 2005. I missed the whole bloody millenium. The last thing I remember was burning 'White Wedding' in the studio, then I think I went to get some cocaine from Eric Clapton, and I might have eaten some pill or something that Elton John had. It's been a blur ever since." Idol further expressed "shock, shock I tell you," on learning that Sir Elton John had been knighted during Idol's twenty-year drug haze.<br /><br />Idol added his personal message if Tiffany does resurface: "I do have one question: Hey, little sister what have you done?"<br /><br />There are presently no leads in the mysterious disappearance, and authorities expect to interrogate other celebrities from the relevant period. Ted Danson, who worked at a bar where everyone allegedly knew your name, is expected to be called in for questioning, as well as Tony Danza, who filed IRS documents in the 80's indicating he was some type of unspecified domestic manservant. Alyssa Milano, who was known to associate with Danza during the 80's, will also be questioned regarding her association with and knowledge of Danza, but it's not clear who the boss was at that time.<br /><br />If anyone has any information relating to Tiffany's disappearance, please contact local law enforcement, or email the editor of Salem's Lot.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/tiffany1.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/200/tiffany1.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />--- Salem Watchen, Celebrity Correspondent<br />North Hollywood, California<br />July 15, 2005<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/14126275-112145918145402836?l=salemwatchen.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Salem Watchenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17933476589056521021noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14126275.post-1121457786267153292005-07-15T14:53:00.000-05:002005-07-16T22:08:02.433-05:00Panama City Beach, Florida -<br /><br />Residents of Panama City Beach are recovering from what is now being referred to as the "Wake of Hurricaine Dennis," and many are demanding reparations.<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/hurricane_damage.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/320/hurricane_damage.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br /><br />Homes have been utterly destroyed, cars tossed into trees, and the very trees themselves hurled into buildings.<br /><br />"I had absolutely no idea anything like this could happen," said retiree Martha Wilson. "I mean, we've seen what 'Hurricaine Dennis' can do to unsecured things like precariously balanced dishes, but this is head and shoulders above that."<br /><br />Martha Wilson's husband, George Wilson, challenged his wife's claims. "She knew what she was doing. I told her, 'Martha, don't give that Mitchell boy any sugar cookies, and don't give him that Kool Aid with Red-40. He'll get too hyper.' Well, now look," Mr. Wilson pointed, sighing heavily at the damage.<br /><br />Dennis Mitchell's parents, Henry and Alice, deny any wrongdoing. "We told them," explained Alice, "if you're going to let little Dennis come over and play, don't give him any sugar or caffeine. Th<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/dennis-menace%20with%20dad.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/320/dennis-menace%20with%20dad.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a>is isn't our fault."<br /><br />Residents of Panama City Beach have taken their claims to the City Attorney rather than await the resolution of the Mitchell-Wilson dispute.<br /><br />"I came here for a nice quiet retirement. I didn't come down here to lose my life savings to this Menace. FEMA won't cover damage like this. They don't even believe one little boy can do this kind of damage. Unbelievable," vented John Hutchins, retiree and World War II veteran.<br /><br />"I can tell you one thing," Henry Mitchell stated. "We're going to have a long talk with Dennis about this. He knows all about Red-40. We won't, however, be sending him to bed without supper. I think everyone here's learned their lesson."<br /><br />--- Salem Watchen, Weather Watch Correspondent<br />Panama City Beach, Florida<br />July 15, 2005<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/14126275-112145778626715329?l=salemwatchen.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Salem Watchenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17933476589056521021noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14126275.post-1121387602901755882005-07-14T19:08:00.000-05:002005-07-14T19:36:07.520-05:00Washington, D.C. -<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/mccain.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/320/mccain.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />Senator John McCain (R-AZ) has formally been asked to leave the Republican Party by GOP Leader Ken Mehlman.<br /><br />"Really," sighed Mehlman. "This is quite too much. I can't imagine anyone with any self-respect, discipline, or value as a leader committing such a disgusting and immature act."<br /><br />Capitol Hill was shaken today by the news that Senator McCain, once viewed as the Republican's next presidential candidate in the 2008 election, had so degraded himself, his political party, his parents, his family, his nation, and God Himself by appearing, however briefly, in the recently released contribution to this nation's moral decline, "Wedding Crashers."<br /><br />President Bush, on hearing of the gross indiscretion, refused to speak, save to comment that he would "stay the course chosen by our Republican leadership," and further, the "lowlife turncoat liberal-in-conservative's-clothing'll be shot on sight if he comes near my daughters."<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/Owen_Wilson.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/320/Owen_Wilson.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />Not all reactions in Washington were negative. On hearing of his forced ouster from the Republican Party, Dr. Howard Dean, crafter of the brilliant "I Have a Scream" Speech that doomed his presidential nomination bid, exclaimed "Yes! We've got McCain! We're going to South Carolina, we're going to Georgia, we're going to Alabama, to Idaho, to South Carolina, to Michigan, to Arkansas, and to Georgia" before breaking into a piercing unmanly shriek eliciting feedback from his microphone.<br /><br />McCain's parents were less than understanding. Said Mrs. McCain: "I just don't know where we went wrong. We tried so hard. He was doing so well. I can't imagine what would possess him to associate with those skeezy losers and disgrace himself in such an amoral public display. I'm disgusted."<br /><br />McCain's father was unavailable for comment as he emasculated himself and blew his teeth through the back of his head with a World War II-era service revolver.<br /><br />British Prime Minister Tony Blair immediately recalled his son from his Republican internship in the nation's capital. "I don't bloody believe it. If the Republican Party cannot better control its members, I will never permit any British subject to travel to the United States. It's a disgrace - a Senator acting as though he had not the slightest modicum of dignity or integrity. Senator McCain is unfit to lead a pack of blind lemmings off a cliff."<br /><br /><br />--- Salem Watchen, Decency and Morality Correspondent<br />Washington, D.C.<br />July 14, 2005<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/14126275-112138760290175588?l=salemwatchen.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Salem Watchenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17933476589056521021noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14126275.post-1121372245792712722005-07-14T15:10:00.000-05:002005-07-16T01:10:00.926-05:00New York, New York -<br /><br />The enigmatic figure that brought down the Clinton regime, referred to by the only known code-name given to her in underground internet video files, "Deep Throat," has finally<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/the%20dress.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/320/the%20dress.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a> come forward with a new line of fall dresses.<br /><br />Monica Lewinsky, according to her spokesperson, was in fact the "Deep Throat" that revealed the vile smut that entertained the nation while the world around plummeted into the utter chaos that led directly to 9-11.<br /><br />"No, it really doesn't bother me," Monica said of the 9-11 attacks and the fact that no one, anywhere, was paying any attention to anything except the besoiled dress involved in the "Deep Throat" evidenciary exhibits. "In fact, it makes me happy knowing that everyone was so interested in my sex life with a sitting, standing, and lying down President."<br /><br />Now that the mystery of the Clintonian era "Deep Throat" has been revealed, she plans to market dresses in the same fashion as the one introduced into evidence. "Now any regular girl can become a 'Deep Throat.' For $250 at Macy's."<br /><br />Former President Bill Clinton had nothing to say, as his wife, Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton, refused to release him from the iron maiden as of press time.<br /><br />As to why she was given the name "Deep Throat," Lewinsky speculated, "Well, it's probably because everyone now knows that after Bill got bored with the cigar trick, I-" [the remainder of this except has been censored for content inappropriate for young children. The Salem's Lot editorial staff apologizes for any inconvenience]<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/final%20bill%20and%20monica.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/320/final%20bill%20and%20monica.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />--- Salem Watchen, Political Correspondent<br />New York, New York<br />July 14, 2005<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/14126275-112137224579271272?l=salemwatchen.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Salem Watchenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17933476589056521021noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14126275.post-1121273303936990452005-07-13T11:46:00.000-05:002005-07-16T01:11:22.376-05:00To Our Devoted Readership,<br /><br />We at Salem's Lot have decided to retract Salem Watchen's special expose article "Bizarre Sexuality: Sadism, Necrophilia, and Bestiality in America" due to the realization that we were just beating a dead horse.<br /><br />We apologize for any disappointment.<br /><br />- Salem's Lot Chief Editor<br />Providence, Rhode Island<br />July 13, 2005<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/14126275-112127330393699045?l=salemwatchen.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Salem Watchenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17933476589056521021noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14126275.post-1121264409915759812005-07-13T09:05:00.000-05:002005-07-13T11:08:07.060-05:00Beijing, China -<br /><br />Due to poor quality controls and lax enforcement of existing standards, the entire nation of China is on the verge of a catastrophic epidemic of Avian flu, according to the World <a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/tante_jpg%20Yao%20Gong.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/320/tante_jpg%20Yao%20Gong.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a>Health Organization. "We're not messing around here," WHO spokesperson Julie Wiles stated at the WHO July Summit, "if something isn't done immediately, some 125 million-plus Red Chinese are going to dom-digga-digga-dig get down with the sickness."<br /><br />China, a communist nation whose primary domestic products are chicken and oppression, denied the World Health Organization's conclusion. "No, we are not dom-digga-digga-dig getting down with the sickness," Chinese government spokesman Long Wang claimed in response to the WHO warning. "We are eating chicken and live longer than capitalist pig America. Chinese love chicken. We no get sick."<br /><br />Chinese Health Official Sum Yung Ho concurred with the Chinese government's official position on the potential for Avia<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/Yao%2C%20Shaq%2C%20and%20Aguilera.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/320/Yao%2C%20Shaq%2C%20and%20Aguilera.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a>n flu outbreak. "Sum Yung Ho love Long Wang, and -" she added dreamily, "- Long Wang love Sum Yung Ho."<br /><br />In response to immediate media allegations that Long Wang had "put it in her mouth," Long Wang issued an immediate denial, "No, Long Wang no put it in Sum Yung Ho's mouth. Oh...wait...you mean <span style="font-style: italic;">words</span>? Oh, yes," he laughed. "Yes, part of Long Wang's job to put words in officials' mouths to clarify position of Chinese government. Yes, Long Wang put <span style="font-style: italic;">words</span> in Sum Yung Ho's mouth. Do it all day."<br /><br />Despite the official and staunch denial of the Chinese government, Chinese-Americans are organizing celebrity sponsorship for the "Save China from Chicken" campaign. "We cannot stand by and let this happen. We need star power. I may be eight feet tall, but we need Shaq power, too," explained Yao Ming, world-reknown very tall Chinese person. Christina Aguilera, pictured here (inset, left) with Yao and O'Neal, had nothing to say, as she will function as the campaign's official "eye candy."<br /><br />Shaquille O'Neal accepted the invation to join the Chinese-American effort to spread education concerning Avian flu and petition the government to enforce existing sanitation standards. "I'm not Chinese," Shaq conceded, "But I do love those little fortune cookies. I got one the other day. It said, 'Confuscius say: He who sleep with both shoes on, wake up with sore feet.' I love the Chinese. But funky chicken? No way, I don't get down like that. And neither should 125 million Red Chinese."<br /><br />To make a pledge to the Save China from Chicken star campaign, call 1.800.CHI.CKEN (800.244.2536) or take your hard-earned income, tear it into little pieces, and incinerate it. Either method will have the same affect on influencing the Chinese government.<br /><br />--- Salem Watchen, Foreign News Correspondent<br />Beijing, China<br />July 13, 2005<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/14126275-112126440991575981?l=salemwatchen.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Salem Watchenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17933476589056521021noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14126275.post-1121186371370641732005-07-12T11:19:00.000-05:002005-07-12T22:46:08.403-05:00Palm Beach, Aruba -<br /><br />Aruban authorities are praising the excellent detective work and crime-fighting skills of a group of American volunteers who solved the Natalee Holloway disappearance mystery earlier this morning.<br /><br />At the request of Beth Twitty, mother of the Alabama teen who went missing on the island on May 30, 2005, the five-member task force fitted their Mystery Mobile with floats and fins and sailed to Aruba to assist in the search.<br /><br />Spokesman for the group, Fred, explained how their investigation developed. "Well, we knew something was fishy with everyone looking on the beach and in the water, and I never trusted those Kalpoe boys and the van der Sloots. Something just didn't sound right to me."<br /><br />That's when they began investigating the crime scene by the old mill. Said Velma, "It was an accident how we made our big break in the case. Scooby and Shaggy were horsing around, <span style="font-style: italic;">as usual</span>, when Scooby saw his reflection in a broken old mirror. It scared him so bad," she giggled, "that he jumped into Shaggy's arms, and they both fell back into an old abandoned mine. That was where we made our discovery."<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/gates2.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/320/gates2.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />Daphne described the discovery, "The old mine had been converted into a computer bunker by a mad scientist. We found Windows CD's all around on the floor, and more hardware than the Pentagon has in Washington. I admit I was doubtful at first, but Fred had seen this type of work before. That's when we knew we had our villain."<br /><br />"Bill Gates," according to Fred, "had a bad habit in his youth of luring young women into his computer bunker and trading their nude photographs for free Microsoft software. We knew we had our man; we just had to figure out where he was."<br /><br />"And zoiks!," exlaimed Shaggy. "Like, it was so unexpected! I was talking with Greta van Susteren from Fox News, and my old buddy Scoob was horsing around behind her when his collar caught in her hair. We tried to separate them, but then her entire head pulled off - it was a mask! And buddy Scoob had found Bill Gates!"<br /><br />Aruban Prosecutor Carla Janssen called for the detention of van Susteren/Gates on the spot. "It explains a lot, especially why she's been trying to prosecute the van der Sloot boy on her, or his, I guess, news show. This answers a lot of questions for us."<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/kc5dru571.gif"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/320/kc5dru571.gif" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />Paul van der Sloot, the primary suspect's father, was elated with the news and release of his son. "I'll never know how to thank you," said Paul.<br /><br />"It's all in a day's work," conceded Fred.<br /><br />"I would've gotten away with it, too," snarled Gates as he was taken into custody. "If it weren't for you meddling kids and that pesky dog!"<br /><br />The Aruban government, despite the well-intentioned group's refusal to accept any payment for their services, has pledged to send the teens home with no less than a lifetime supply of Scooby snacks.<br /><br />Super-hero Scooby Doo had this to say: "Rooooby-roooby rooo!"<br /><br /><br />---- Salem Watchen, Foreign News Correspondent<br />Palm Beach, Aruba<br />July 12, 2005<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/14126275-112118637137064173?l=salemwatchen.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Salem Watchenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17933476589056521021noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14126275.post-1121185036190272112005-07-12T11:02:00.000-05:002005-07-12T22:31:25.276-05:00New York, New York -<br /><br />With the Christmas shopping season still months away, one new turkey is being gobbled up by happy patriots in New York. The newest Sesame Street sensation announced by Fisher Price today is a reflection of the modern mindset affecting parents and children alike, and a portion of the proceeds from all sales will go directly to support the United States' War on Terror.<br /><br />Fisher Price spokesman Terry Wilhelm explained the new release to our correspondent in New York. "In this patriotic age, with evil all around, we at Fisher Price felt a certain responsibility to help parents raise children who appreciate the very delicate balance of power and stability in the world. In the past, we simply churned out mindless plush toy after toy with no thought of the consequences."<br /><br />That changed when Fisher Price CEO Harry Wagner's son was sent to Afghanistan, explained Wilhem. "Harry was distraut. He couldn't sleep, he couldn't eat. He was worried about his son, and being a white-collar executive, he hadn't really felt fear before. After about a year of counselling, he had a breakthrough. He realized if he had been raised to expect senseless tragedy, he would've coped much better with the bad news that his son had died in that godless country."<br /><br />Thus Fisher Price released the new "Wake Up Screaming in a Cold Sweat Elmo" today in the hopes of preparing children to develop a mature understanding of the new nature of civilized society.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/elmo%20final.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/320/elmo%20final.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />"I just love it," said mother-of-three Anna Moore. "There's absolutely no warning of when that cute little bugger will go off. You have to pay attention constantly, which is difficult when you're trying to sleep. 'Wake Up Screaming in a Cold Sweat Elmo' gives off a slight perspiration, and you have thirty seconds after that to turn it off. If not, all hell breaks loose with the most God-awful blood-curdling shriek of 'OH MY GOD WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!' you've ever heard. It even wakes up my husband in the next room. I love it."<br /><br />Parents For Responsible Playthings, a non-profit organization dedicated to educational toys for children, applauded the release. "Now this, this is genius," PFRP spokesman Larry Rhiner praised the new release. "It teaches children of the need to have perfect intelligence to avoid a catastrophic terror attack. If they fail, well, they learn. We're still lobbying for the 'Suicide Bombing Oscar the Grouch,' but Fisher Price hasn't returned our calls. Yet."<br /><br /><br />---- Salem Watchen, Business and Industry Correspondent<br />New York, New York<br />July 12, 2005<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/14126275-112118503619027211?l=salemwatchen.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Salem Watchenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17933476589056521021noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14126275.post-1121119070190085072005-07-11T16:37:00.000-05:002005-07-11T16:58:43.993-05:00Vancouver, British Columbia -<br /><br />Harry Potter's latest secret may have slipped out in Canada, and publishers of the best-selling books hope the magical allure of author J.K. Rowling's autograph will get it back under wraps. <p> Rowling's sixth book about the young wizard is scheduled to be released in less than one week, but a store near Vancouver briefly put the put the book on sale last week.</p> <p> Raincoast Books Ltd., which distributes the books in Canada, said a "small number" of the books were sold, and it has won a court injunction barring the buyers of "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince" from disclosing the plot. The unconventional injunction requires all purchasers of the inadvertently released Potter novel to wear an open-mouth ring gag until the book goes on sale on July 16, 2005.<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/0.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/320/0.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a></p> <p>"We believe this measure will protect J.K. Rowling's interest in keeping the plot of the novel a secret until its official release date," said Vancouver Judge Maureen Flanning. "We toyed with a number of different gags for the gag order, and believe the open-mouth ring gag is the most humane. The purchasers will be entirely unable to speak, but they can continue to consume basic fluids to keep them alive until the novel's release."<br /></p> <p>Faced with opposition to the bizarre nature of the injuction, Judge Flanning responded, "Just think of the children. Their little hearts will be broken if someone spills the beans about how Harry Potter and Hermione Granger engage in shapeshifting crazy monkey love on the eve of - oh, wait - I mean, the little children will be heartbroken if any surprises from the charming tale are compromised."<br /></p> <p> The court also ordered all the copies be returned to Raincoast, which has promised the early buyers book plates autographed by Rowling once the embargo is lifted. On obtaining the autographs, the gags of the respective buyers will be unlocked and removed.<br /></p> <p> Millions of copies of "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince" are expected to be distributed to stores around the world, and publishers have launched big security efforts to keep the wizard's adventures a secret until the official release date. </p>-- Salem Watchen, Literary Correspondent<br />Vancouver, British Columbia<br />July 11, 2005<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/14126275-112111907019008507?l=salemwatchen.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Salem Watchenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17933476589056521021noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14126275.post-1121098161871786682005-07-11T10:51:00.000-05:002005-07-11T12:02:53.326-05:00Washington, D.C. -<br /><br />President George Bush has announced his nomination for a successor to the retiring Supreme Court Justice, Sandra Day O'Connor.<br /><br />Congressional Democrats made apparent after the announcement of the pending vacancy on the nation's highest court that they were prepared for a "knock-down, drag-out, taxpayer-money wasting filibuster," according to Senator Edward Kennedy, D-Mass. "If that cowboy in the White House doesn't get a bleeding-heart fetus-ripper in there, I'm throwing a monkey wrench in the nomination process," threatened Kennedy.<br /><br />Not all Democrats shared the sentiment of Kennedy. Senator Patrick Leahy, D-Vermont, when asked of his intent to participate in a filibuster, gave a lukewarm and half-hearted attempt at being a responsible Congressman: "I hope that it doesn't reach that point."<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/McGrawPic.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/320/McGrawPic.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br /><br />In light of the potential for two Supreme Court vacancies this year, President Bush has nominated a candidate he feels certain to appease liberals in Congress, in exchange for a rapid ratification of his nominee to replace Chief Justice William H. Rehnquist.<br /><br />"I chose this candidate," spoke Bush at a press conference from the White House, "not due to a particularly notable legal career. As you know, there is no requirement that judges have any knowledge of the law, as evidenced by the nation's highest court when they abolished the inalienable right to property earlier this year."<br /><br />"Dr. Phil McGraw, my first nominee, has as an oustanding record of healing lives and mending hearts. His no-nonsense approach to deadbeat fathers and his permissive stance with regard to abortion and adultery makes him the ideal candidate to appease Congressional Democrats."<br /><br />"Now, I have made this choice with every expectation that I will have to make another nomination this year, and I do not want my buddy Alberto Gonzales to have any trouble getting through Congress. You give me Al, and I'll give you Dr. Phil," President Bush offered to Congress.<br /><br />The response of the nation's legislature was stunned silence.<br /><br />Sen. Kennedy, on hearing of the nomination, stuttered and stammered before concluding, "Well, I guess I can't complain. I couldn't imagine any other candidate who'd better doom the morality and ethics of this nation. You'll hear no filibuster talk from me."<br /><br />The conservative media was less than pleased with the choice. "Dear God," cried Bill O'Reilly of Fox's O'Reilly Factor. "President Bush has lost his mind. Where is this country going? This surely is the death toll for American sensibilities. What's next? Jerry Springer to replace Justice Rehnquist?"<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/jerry%20springer%20wo%20caption.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/320/jerry%20springer%20wo%20caption.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />In response, President Bush responded, "Well, I haven't ruled that out. Mr. Springer also has a legacy of bringing serious moral and ethical issues to the forefront of the media. I chose Dr. Phil over Jerry for a simple reason: Jerry's no longer mayor of Cincinnati because of a little hooker issue. I didn't want that coming out in the ratification talks. Now don't take that to mean I'm closing the door on the possibility; I love Jerry's closing thoughts. Those'd look great as concurring opinions."<br /><br /><br />-- Salem Watchen, Legal Correspondent<br />Washington, D.C.<br />July 11, 2005<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/14126275-112109816187178668?l=salemwatchen.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Salem Watchenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17933476589056521021noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14126275.post-1121025773814495572005-07-10T14:40:00.000-05:002005-07-10T22:01:52.426-05:00London, England -<br /><br />London Metropolitan Police faced with the gruelling task of removing the bodies of victims of Thursday's attack, including working in temperatures up to 140 degrees, asbestos exposure, and rat infestation, have made a discovery doubtless to shake Britain to its core.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/filmharry2.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/320/filmharry2.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />An emotional Deputy Assistant Commissioner Brian Paddick of Metropolitan Police addressed reporters outside the Aldgate tube of the London Underground. "It is with great regret and sadness that I inform you of our most recent find in the tragedy of the 7/7 bombings. While most remains will take days for DNA confirmation, we have already confirmed the remains of one of England's most prominent celebrities. Harry Potter is dead," Paddick said, at which point he became too emotional to continue with the press conference.<br /><br />It is not known how many Muggle bodies remain in the vast London Undergroud train system at Russell Square, but it is not believed any other Hogwarts students were involved, Minister of Magic Cornelius Fudge said on news of Potter's passing. Speculation that long-time rival and evil-doer Draco Malfoy was involved in the explosions was not addressed due to the pending investigations of M15 and the Ministry of Magic, which have concurrent jurisdiction until evidence leads to a clear determination of the type of explosive device used in the bombings.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/sirius_black.gif"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/320/sirius_black.gif" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />"That little weasel did it, I tell you," Sirius Black, Potter's godfather, declared during Fudge's speech. "He's a Slytherin, and those evil bastards have been hounding poor Harry all over the country. It's all about the Quiddich championship, I tell you," at which point Black spotted Dementors in the crowd to take him back to Azkaban on suspicion of assisting in the terrorist attacks, and disappeared in a plume of thick smoke. Anyone with information as to Black's present whereabouts is requested to contact the British Anti-Terrorist Hotline at: <span style="font-weight: bold;">0800 789 321</span>.<br /><br />The impact of Potter's demise on the future of Hogwarts is unclear at present. Students and professors are being offered grief counsellors, although few are expected to recover. Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts, indicated that the school would be willing to hire Mr. Potter as a professor, but "as he's rather immaterial, so to speak, at this point, his career in magic is surely over. He'll make a great teacher and haunt, but sadly, this is effectually the end of Potter."<br /><br />Prime Minister Tony Blair had this to say regarding today's grisly discovery: "Are you daft? Harry Potter? The children's story? That's the most preposterous notion I've ever bloody heard. Don't waste my time with this poppycock; I've got real issues to deal with here."<br /><br />-- Salem Watchen, British Correspondent<br />London, England<br />July 10, 2005<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/14126275-112102577381449557?l=salemwatchen.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Salem Watchenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17933476589056521021noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14126275.post-1120971552809301812005-07-09T23:47:00.000-05:002005-07-10T09:58:43.183-05:00Tallahassee, Florida -<br /><br />In a publicized press conference, Florida Governor Jeb Bush announced that the inquiry into the death of Terry Schiavo is finally concluded.<br /><br />"We did everything we could. I did, Congress did, even my big brother in the White House did. The fact remains that her h<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/story.jeb.bush.ap1.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/320/story.jeb.bush.ap1.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a>usband wanted her to die, and the Courts obviously didn't give a damn. It's not like she could speak for herself, you know."<br /><br />"The sham autopsy didn't reveal anything new. She's been cremated, people, the case is closed. There's no paper trail, and the evidence is a pile of soot. Let her rest in peace, for the love of God. There's got to be something else for you losers to whine about - like the price of gas or something," Governor Bush pled with his constituents who still want answers surrounding the mysterious collapse and subsequent death of the brain-damaged woman.<br /><br />Michael Schiavo, husband to the woman who spent the past fifteen years in a persistent vegetative state after <span style="font-style: italic;">someone</span> failed to call for emergency medical assistance in a timely manner, announced from his home in Pinellas Park, Florida, that he will be mourning the loss of his 'life-long' companion by touring with Guns N' Roses beginning August 2005.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/axl_rose.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/320/axl_rose.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />As well as providing back-up vocals for the band's most well-known hits, Schiavo is expected to deliver an <span style="font-style: italic;">a cappella</span> solo performance of "I Used to Love Her/But I Had to Kill Her" at each and every venue in memory of his departed wife with a straight face.<br /><br />Said Axl Rose, lead singer for Guns N' Roses: "Yeah, we like, really thought at first it'd be terrible to have anything to do with this monster, but I mean, then we thought about it, and he's one cold, hard son of a bitch. He's kind of the embodiment of our band, you know? Give the bitch the roses, then whip out the gun - Guns N' Roses in a nutshell, man."<br /><br />Proceeds from the tour will go directly into Michael Schiavo's pocket and subsequently be spent on "hooters and hussies," according to Schiavo.<br /><br />-- Salem Watchen, Florida News Correspondent<br />Tallahassee, Florida<br />July 10, 2005<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/14126275-112097155280930181?l=salemwatchen.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Salem Watchenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17933476589056521021noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14126275.post-1120964521956176052005-07-09T21:35:00.000-05:002005-07-09T22:04:40.930-05:00Birmingham, England -<br /><br />In a move seen by many to signal a new stage in the governance of the United Kingdom, the British government has followed in the steps of civilized nations such as Germany and the United States in finally learning to manipulate its own media.<br /><br />"Well, yes, it has taken quite a while, but honestly, we never found manipulation of the media to be a necessary tool of governance," explained British Prime Minister Tony Blair. "You have to admit since World War II, nothing of any real interest has happened in Britian. Life on this God-forsaken island is as drab as our literature and bland as our food."<br /><br />All of that changed this week, when London saw the elation of winning the 2012 Olympic bid, followed by the devastation of the deadly synchronized terrorist bombings.<br /><br />"With all the chaos and pandemonium, we really saw no choice but to turn to George Orwell and the work of Himmler, drawing of course primarily on the American example of running the subjects around in emotional and psychological circles," conceded Blair.<br /><br />The unexpected terror attack of 7/7 drew reactions across the spectrum, from a new-found loyalty to the Labour Party to an outright enmity for the Prime Minister.<br /><br />"I told mum, 'vote Labour, mum, or we'll all die.' Well, naturally she voted Liberal Democrat, and look what happened. God rest her double-decker bus riding soul," John Smithers related to our correspondent.<br /><br />"This tragedy is the direct result of the Green Party's defeat at the polls," declared Elizabeth Wissinton. "The American appeasement of Tony Blair has come to its bloody fruition on the streets of London."<br /><br />In light of the potential for public backlash, Blair's cabinet conferred immediately with American counterparts in the Bush government for assistance. What resulted was pure political genius.<br /><br /><span style="font-size:100%;">Assistant Chief Constable of West Midlands Police, Stuart Hyde, assisted in the evacuation of Birmingham, England earlier today. "The story goes like this," explained Mr. Hyde, obviously new to deception and misinformation, "We received a fairly credible report of a substantial threat or something to the Birmingham city centre. Our bobbies went about yanking blokes from their daily affairs and ordering them to evacuate immediately. In the ensuing chaos, the citizenry was quite convinced that we had everything under control."<br /><br />Reports of a controlled explosion </span><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-size:100%;">on the bus near the Square Peg pub</span> </span><span style="font-size:100%;">were confirmed by Hyde. "Yes, we did find it in the interest of national security to prophylactially detonate a suspicious package. Granted, it was a weathered box of imported Reebok sneakers, but the reaction at the time was exquisite. No more questioning our competence after we start blowing things up ourselves, I can assure you."<br /><br />It is expected that the British government will continue to follow the American example of keeping its constituents in a perpetual state of fear and paranoia for an indeterminate amount of time, "at least until the initial shock and 'wasn't anyone paying attention? What the bloody hell are you bureaucrats doing anyway if you aren't keeping us alive?' feeling wears off," said Blair.<br /><br />"We anticipate randomly raising our national terror alert level, and perhaps airing a few amateur special effect tapes of gruesome beheadings of Britons no one's ever heard of in the next few days. We may even have someone in a turban and a mask trample a picture of Her Majesty, or even flush a copy of Dickens. Who knows? There really are no rules here," spoke Blair on condition of strict anonymity.<br /><br />--- Salem Watchen, Foreign Correspondent<br />Birmingham, England<br />July 9, 2005<br /></span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/14126275-112096452195617605?l=salemwatchen.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Salem Watchenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17933476589056521021noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14126275.post-1120962702007620952005-07-09T21:13:00.000-05:002005-07-10T00:45:40.470-05:00Kabul, Afghanistan -<br /><br />Dealing another blow to the morale of the United States and Britian, the Afghani Taliban has released a videotaped execution of an American seal on the Al Jazeera website.<br /><br />The seal, known as Ollie, was reported missing on June 15, 2005 by the Cincinnati Zoo in the United States by his distraut caretaker, Ellie Nordsmith.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/1600/seal.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/381/1269/320/seal.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br /><br />"I had just gone inside the cave to get him another bucket of fish, and when I came out, he was gone. I looked in the water, and I knew he couldn't have climbed the glass wall to get out. I was clueless," said Nordsmith.<br /><br />Frank Slate, President of the Cincinnati Zoo, expressed his grief of the news, but stated that "we now have closure for this most distrubing disappearance. We are currently reviewing our security measures to insure we lose no more exhibits to terrorists."<br /><br />According to US intelligence, no ransom was demanded for the American seal, and it is believed that the execution of the harmless animal that brought joy to countless children at the Spaulding Children's Zoo is an attempt to undermine the morale of the American people in the War on Terror.<br /><br />President Bush denounced the act as "a cowardly act by cowardly cowards. We will not falter or waiver in our resolve to bring these criminals to justice. We extend our condolences to the family of the seal, who so selflessly gave his life for our nation."<br /><br />On learning that the seal's family had previously been processed into posh slippers for First Lady Laura Bush, President Bush added, "This is truly a senseless tragedy. They could have at least made Ollie into a nice wallet or pair of gloves, or something."<br /><br />Ollie is remembered for his remarkable marine maneuvers, including the back-stroke and spitting a steady stream of water at the glass walls of his exhibit. "I will never forget his brave barking, as if he really could understand what we were saying and was trying to communicate with us," remembered Nordstrom.<br /><br />Hamid Karzai has requested UN assistance to stem the flow of hostage trafficking in Afghanistan, a task his fledgling government is ill-equipped to face as "our entire nation has been carpet-bombed back to the Stone Age."<br /><br />A memorial service for Ollie will be held at the Cincinnati Zoo at 9pm on Sunday.<br /><br />--- Salem Watchen, Biological Correspondent<br />Kabul, Afghanistan<br />July 9, 2005<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/14126275-112096270200762095?l=salemwatchen.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Salem Watchenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17933476589056521021noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14126275.post-1120875073667300832005-07-08T20:52:00.000-05:002005-07-09T01:19:09.186-05:00Bedford, New York -<br /><br />Residents of the quiet town of Bedford, New York were shocked and taken aback with news this morning of what appears to be the first suicide bombing in the continental United States.<br /><br />Despite the recent attacks in London, England and the on-going concerns of the War on Terror, the terror group Al Qaeda is has not been implicated in the tragedy, and Secretary of Homeland Security Michael Chirtoff is not expected to raise the national terror alert level.<br /><br />Speaking from her home in Bedford, New York, Martha Stewart addressed the media concerning recent gossip regarding her time in prison for fraud and obstruction of justice convictions, most notably her prison nickname "M. Diddy."<br /><br />"Really, this is too much," said Stewart. "I've suffered through the indignity of the trial, the negative publicity, the scathing late night talk show mockery, eating the swill they call food behind bars, and I had to clean more carpets than I care to remember - and I'm not talking about the ones you walk on."<br /><br />"I've had it, and I'm just not going to take it anymore," the emotional Stewart declared before lifting her extra-wide V-neck cotton cableknit sweater with ribbed trim to reveal four sinister blocks of homemade C4 explosive, accentuated with white and pink interwoven ribbons and a light-blue frill. "Eat this Jay Leno." Stewart then detonated the entire explosive device, turning the palatial estate into a smoking crater strewn with smoldering carnage amid rampant chaos and pandemonium.<br /><br />Reaction to the suicide bombing was immediate. Injured journalists were life-flighted to St. Vincent's Hospital in Manhattan in critical condition, with few expected to survive. Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia denounced the attack as "the furthest act removed from the aspirations and values of Martha Stewart Living," according to MSL CEO Susan Lyne.<br /><br />In a surprise to stock analysts, MSL stock rallied 45.3 percent following the announcement of Stewart's demise, according to the New York Stock Exchange, where Stewart once served as a director.<br /><br />Notwithstanding the videotaped attack clearly implicating Martha Stewart acting on her own behalf, the Al Jazeera website claimed the bombing as "another victory in the name of Allah against the infidel crusaders in the borders of their own home."<br /><br />--- Salem Watchen, Business Correspondent<br />Bedford, New York<br />July 8, 2005<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/14126275-112087507366730083?l=salemwatchen.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Salem Watchenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17933476589056521021noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14126275.post-1120779243168765872005-07-07T18:20:00.000-05:002005-07-10T22:02:26.423-05:00Moscow, Russia -<br /><br />Bill Gates, Microsoft founder and philanthropist, is recovering in a St. Petersburg hospital today following a viscious assault in Palace Square.<br /><br />Just prior to the incident, Gates met with Russian President Vladimir Putin at Konstantinovsky Palace to express his respect for the Russian people, their culture, and discuss the technological needs of the Russian government. During their meeting today, Russian President Vladimir Putin, according to Moscow, was given the rare gift of Bill Gates' personal iPod, which was subsequently placed on display in the Kremlin library beside Patriots Owner Bob Kraft's Superbowl ring.<br /><br />The 'generous gift' of the Superbowl ring to Putin drew worldwide speculation that Putin had, in fact, simply pocketed the ring, which was never intended as a gift. Patriots Owner Bob Kraft, "swears to God, for Christ's sake" that the ring was intended as a gift.<br /><br />Following the generous gift from Bill Gates, according to Russian sources, Gates then left and was visciously assaulted by Arabs screaming about jihad and American crusaders in the Holy Land.<br /><br />Bill Gates, whose legs, arms, and jaw were all broken in the assault, is in a coma and unable to comment on the story.<br /><br />On speculation that Gates, who has more money than all of Eastern Europe, did not intend to give the iPod to Putin and, in fact, demanded it back, Russian FSB Agents encouraged the Associated Press to "keep quiet, if you know what's good for you. Write what we say, we all go home happy. And alive. Understand, Yankee?"<br /><br />Thus it is patently obvious that Russian President Vladimir Putin deserved the very generous and heart-felt donations of Bob Kraft's Superbowl Ring and Bill Gates' iPod, and both owners intended the irreplacable items to be put on display on the other side of the world in the Kremlin library.<br /><br />--- Salem Watchen, Foreign News Correspondent<br />Moscow, Russia<br />July 7, 2005<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/14126275-112077924316876587?l=salemwatchen.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Salem Watchenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17933476589056521021noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14126275.post-1120777845879292472005-07-07T17:58:00.000-05:002005-07-07T20:54:38.296-05:00London, England -<br /><br />Four tremendous blasts rocked the city of London during the morning commute today, resulting in no less than forty confirmed deaths and seven hundred injuries.<br /><br />A new terrorist organization, the "Secret Organization of Al Qeada in Europe," claimed responsibility for the bombings which devastated the rail transit system and splattered the occupants of the upper deck of one of Britian's well-known double-decker busses across the street, sidewalk, and up the side of BMA House in Tavistock Square.<br /><br />This latest violent terrorist attack on civilized populations spurned an international argument that rhymed as Americans, Spaniards, and the Britons battled over the relative monstronosities of the attacks of "9-11" versus "3-11" versus "7-7." Al Qeada claimed responsibility for the destruction of the American World Trade Center on September 11, 2001, the Madrid train massacre on March 11, 2004 and now, the bombing of downtown London on July 7, 2005. It is expected that American hip-hop artist Busta Rhymes will ultimately decide on the issue within days, perhaps as early as 7-11, which would also rhyme with the dates of three attacks.<br /><br />In an immediate retaliation to the suspected Islamic militants, British and American authorities have outlawed the use of Slurpee machines within the borders of the nations indefinitely, whether or not "you are wanting a slurpee today." According to confidential Pentagon sources, Secretary of Defense for the United States Donald Rumsfeld has electronically transmitted the Pentagon's detailed, if controversial, instructions for Koran-flushing to Secretary of State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs of the United Kingdom, Jack Straw. Neither government would confirm the report as of press time.<br /><br />London Mayor Ken Livingstone issued his statement concerning the resilience of the Britons, often referred to as "Blitz Spirit" after the deadly German bombings of World War II. "Well, this week isn't a total loss," Livingstone said, "We still beat the French in the Olympic bid. That'll teach those hairy pedophiles, who can build the Eiffel tower but somehow still can't figure out how to use a simple shower, to insult British quisine."<br /><br />Prime Minister Tony Blair also showed remarkable composure and elation following the announcement of the attacks. "Thank God," Blair declared on learing of the disaster. "Now I can go home and forget about this ill-fated summit to save the world <span style="font-style: italic;">and </span>Africa." The Prime Minister believes that today's attacks have retroactively validated his support of the American declaration of war in Iraq, and that those who voted against him and the Labour Party "should take heed, lest you be on double-decker bus with a Tory at the helm."<br /><br />Blair and others believed the G8 summit which the Prime Minister quickly abandoned on learning the news is doomed to failure due to a number of sinister omens. The first and foremost is that the primary source of any economic assistance, the United States, is entrenched in the political and military equivalent of a slow-motion, continuous train wreck in the Middle East, and American sympathy for the African cause quickly waned after the Live8 concerts concluded.<br /><br />Furthermore, Ford Motor Company's corporate support of the G8 summit, ranging from a fleet of vehicles for dignitaries to the Ford logo watermark on each official document generated from the summit, is seen as a conflict of interest that "not only fails the smell test, it redefines the bloody concept," according to Blair.<br /><br />The involvement of French President Jaques Chirac, German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder, and the zany Russian President Vladimir Putin, all of whom publicly announced their utter revulsion for British cooking and drew the direct correlation between trustworthiness as a nation and the palatability of the nation's cultural quisine, could do little more than doom any conference, according to Blair and world-renowned chef Wolfgang Puck.<br /><br />With his home support bound to surge following the terrorist attacks, Blair cancelled all of his appointments and official duties for the remainder of this week, and after packing a few effects from his London flat, said the Prime Minister, "I'm going to Barbados for a rethink on the whole Africa/environment row."<br /><br />--- Salem Watchen, British News Correspondent<br />London, England<br />July 7, 2005<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/14126275-112077784587929247?l=salemwatchen.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Salem Watchenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17933476589056521021noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14126275.post-1120702689982051882005-07-06T21:12:00.000-05:002005-07-06T21:47:12.013-05:00Hollywood, California -<br /><br />Prominent Scientologist and actor Tom Cruise, continuing to ride the wave of media attention surrounding his highly-publicized new film "War of the Worlds," expounded on some recent rumors surrounding his seemingly bizarre public outbursts to our reporter in Hollywood.<br /><br />"You see, Scientology is a religion, but it is so much more. One of the central beliefs of Scientology is that I, Tom Cruise, am not crazy," Tom Cruise explained. "It's all of you on the outside - you're the crazy ones. I'm trying to lead you to the light. Matt Lauer didn't see it, though, and I don't expect you will either. You're not supposed to, that's another belief of Scientology."<br /><br />Rumors that the Scientology mega-computer that controls the lives of all Hollywood celebrities mis-matched Demi Moore with Ashton Kutcher and Tom Cruise with Kate Holmes, respectively, were vehemently denied. "No, there's no truth to that rumor, none," denied Tom Cruise. "That's another belief of Scientology. Our Celebrity Life Program is infallible and follows a strict logic and rationality, like Scientology. There's a perfectly reasonable explanation why Demi and I are dating people so much younger than we are instead of each other. But that's a secret of Scientology that I can't explain to the un-initiated, like the fact of alien life."<br /><br />"Really, man, I mean it. Are you so arrogant as to think we're all that there is? There is definitely alien life out there and <span style="font-style: italic;">down here among us</span>. How else do you explain things like cell phones and my celebrity status? Think about it, man, think about it."<br /><br />The unofficial spokesman of Scientology, star of hit movies such as "Grease" and "Pulp Fiction," as well as the hit television series "Welcome Back, Kotter," John Travolta, had this to say: "Up your nose with a rubba' hose." He then sniggered to himself, launched a spitwad at a passing high school teacher, and gave a high-five to Freddie "Boom-Boom" Washington.<br /><br />When asked for clarification, spokesman Travolta added, "Off my case, potato face," which inevitably led to Epstein refusing to testify on the grounds that it may "incinerate" him.<br /><br />--Salem Watchen, Celebrity Correspondent<br />Hollywood, California<br />July 6, 2005<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/14126275-112070268998205188?l=salemwatchen.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Salem Watchenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17933476589056521021noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14126275.post-1120690602679010652005-07-06T17:44:00.000-05:002005-07-06T17:57:43.270-05:00Palm Beach, Aruba -<br /><br />Aruban officials have confirmed rumors increasing the tragedy of the disappearance of Natalie Holloway, an Alabama teen missing since May 30. Following protests by native Arubans of Beth Twitty's barrage of insults and accusations against Aruban law, Aruban officials, the Aruban people, and "anything else Aruban in this God-forsaken excuse for an island nation," Beth Twitty has disappeared.<br /><br />Aruban officials have already begun making arrests in this latest disappearance. American journalist Greta van Susteren, the last individual with whom Beth Twitty was seen on videotape, has been arrested indefinitely as a suspect in the disappearance, along with Geraldo Rivera.<br /><br />According to initial statements obtained from Geraldo Rivera and Greta van Susteren, Beth Twitty engaged in back-to-back interviews with the American journalists. Following the last interview with van Susteren, Beth Twitty reportedly stormed off the set and toward her hotel, where she was met by a security guard. Enraged at Aruban incompetence, according to the initial statements provided by the suspects, she waved off the guard and proceeded inside.<br /><br />Aruban officials obtained videotaped surveillance of the hotel, and there is no evidence to support the claims that Beth Twitty returned to her hotel room. When confronted with the evidence, Geraldo Rivera changed his story, and claimed that he left the beach after his interview with the aggrieved mother, and that van Susteren was alone with Twitty. Geraldo Rivera was subsequently released. Van Susteren remains in custody under suspicion in the Twitty disappearance.<br /><br />In a surprise move, according to Aruban Prosecutor Carla Janssen, Aruban and Dutch officials have elected to attempt to apply American law in this matter. This move, according to Janssen, was inspired primarily by Twitty's unrelenting accusations against Aruban law and officials charged with applying the law. In keeping with the Shiavo precedent, the last expressed desire of the missing mother was to have "anything but Aruban law" applied to the case of her daughter's disappearance, and thus American law will be applied as a concession to her last known expressed wish concerning the matter.<br /><br />While the move to American law followed the detention of van Susteren, she will still be held under Aruban law indefinitely.<br /><br />Aruban law enforcement officials initially suspected Twitty's husband, and he was arrested without incident. Three white teenage tourists were then savagely beaten with billy-clubs for smoking a marijuana cigarette on the beach, and twenty black suspects were taken into custody for illegal firearm and cocaine distribution.<br /><br />"We believe we have followed the American precedent in this matter as would be acceptable to Ms. Twitty," Janssen addressed the media during the 4pm news conference. "She obviously didn't like how we were doing things, so we've arrested her husband, beaten some dope-smoking hippies, and are rounding up all the black people we can find. It is expected that the victim, Ms. Twitty, will also be charged in this matter."<br /><br />Janssen is actively working with American officials to elucidate the requirements of applying American law, as well as watching re-runs of COPS and Law and Order.<br /><br />Anyone with any information regarding the Twitty disappearance, in keeping with American protocol, is advised to keep their mouth shut until the reward reaches at least "twenty thousand dollars or so."<br /><br />-- Salem Watchen, Foreign News Correspondent<br />Palm Beach, Aruba<br />July 6, 2005<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/14126275-112069060267901065?l=salemwatchen.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>Salem Watchenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17933476589056521021noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14126275.post-1120676935083342182005-07-06T13:44:00.000-05:002005-07-06T14:15:56.986-05:00Gleneagle, Scotland -<br /><br />The much-publicized convocation of leaders of the eight great nations of the civilzed world began today in Gleneagle, Sc